Election 2004

Dan Wiggs: Would We Lie?

Dan Wiggs writes the Weblog "Would We Lie?" for the Daily News, spotlighting strange or oddly-shaped stories that you won't find anywhere else. Tonight he stops by with a special Electopalooza edition...

  • OK, the polls have closed in most of civilized America. But we wanted to point this out for future reference.
    Votergasm, a Web site that uses sex to encourage people to vote, threw a big party in New York on election night. The party had dancing girls and red and blue Jello shots.
    If you voted, you might check out votergasm.com and see if you get to have sex with one of the Votergasm folks.
    Votergasm also threw parties in other places. We don't know if those places provided Votergasm people with whom to have sex if confronted by a real voter.
    On a personal note: If you voted for Bush, you can always have sex with yourself.

  • OK, the polls have closed in most of civilized America. But we wanted to point this out for future reference.
    Votergasm, a Web site that uses sex to encourage people to vote, threw a big party in New York on election night. The party had dancing girls and red and blue Jello shots.
    If you voted, you might check out votergasm.com and see if you get to have sex with one of the Votergasm folks.
    Votergasm also threw parties in other places. We don't know if those places provided Votergasm people with whom to have sex if confronted by a real voter.
    On a personal note: If you voted for Bush, you can always have sex with yourself.

  • According to the Associated Press, the world was on edge as it watched the presidential election here.
    Which is odd, because we're pretty sure, based on our limited education, that the world is round, and pi are square.
    Anyway. A fellow in Brazil put it this way:
    "We don’t understand America now," said Wagner Markues, 54. "Are they getting
    different news than us about the scandals in the Iraqi prisons, and the children and civilians who are getting killed?"
    We can assure Mr. Markues that America isn't getting that kind of news from "Would We Lie?"
    Of course, we've never really understood America anyway.


  • In case you didn't know and wanted to, a communist was running for president.
    Roger Calero, 35, who lives in Newark, N.J., was born in Nicaragua and still is not an American citizen.
    But he doesn't care. He just wants to spread the good word about the Utopia that true communism could bring.
    "Capitalism has been unable to solve the deep problems of humanity," Calero has been quoted as saying. "There have been wars. There has been chaos."
    We think that with Calero and Michael Moore (whom we just drafted) in control, this country could stop worrying and learn that it is truly better to be Red than dead.

  • Tony Podesta of the Kerry-Bush campaign in Pennsylvania sent us an e-mail today, urging us to vote and then to call others and encourage them to do the same.
    And Tony pointed out something else, and we quote: "Each one of us knows at least a few people who might not make it to the polls today. It could be that their votes decide this election."
    So we think it behooves all of us to vote, yes, but then to do all we can to vote as often as possible on behalf of those people who can't make it to the polls.
    So far we've managed to vote in place of an elderly woman who gave us her registration card with very little resistance, and a friendly sight-challenged man who couldn't see, but we're sure supported, our removing of his card from his shirt pocket.
    Of course, we don't know for whom they voted. That's a private matter, now, isn't it?

  • Overheard at our polling place:
    "Only the greedy and the ignorant will vote for Bush.
    But in this America, that might be enough."

  • If you care about the proper use and handling of drugs, you are aware that several areas are voting on legalizing or strengthening laws on the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. At least one state is voting on legalizing small amounts of pot for personal use.
    We support the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes, because we have noticed that many Americans are sick these days.
    Of dirty campaigning. Of lies and deceit. Of people using 9/11 to further their own nefarious schemes.
    Or maybe we're just hallucinating. (Damn flashbacks!)

  • For some reason, we did not receive a sticker that said "I voted" when we voted today.
    But we've come up with what we think is a clever way to prove to people that you did indeed vote -- even when you didn't.
    First, go to the office supply or computer store and buy some of those little sticker things.
    Then find your finest black crayon.
    On one or more sticky things, write "I voted" in your finest calligraphy. (Maybe you could sell your extras for a quick profit. That's the American way.)
    Stick that sticky thing on your chest.
    If you're not wearing a shirt, be aware that you might be in some pain when you remove said sticker.
    If confronted by a doubting Thomas, just say you got your personal sticker from the Bush administration.


    Posted on November 2, 2004 02:39 PM
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