Songs to Drive Your Lover Crazy

So you've seen the list of the top 100 rock love songs. And the top 100 love moments on VH1. And, just released, the top 100 country love songs.
But you haven't seen this.
It's about love -- in a different way.
At some point significant others do something that drives the other significant other up the proverbial wall. He "forgets" to move his muddy sneakers out of the middle of the living room floor -- for three weeks. She "forgets" to mention that she invited some people over and they'll be here in 10 minutes and you were supposed to pick up some exotic soy product because the visitors are all vegans.
Now we don't know what you do when the frustration level builds beneath your surface like the Hulk swelling inside Bruce Banner.
But we sing.
We don't sing well. Nor do we particularly try to.
The trick is the songs and presentation.
Have you ever had a bug crawl into your ear? And you could feel it moving
around, but you couldn't reach it, and it buzzed and wiggled and seemed to
be eating into your brain?
That's what these songs do. Their mawkish melodies and limp lyrics get
inside her/his head and, like annoying relatives, refuse to leave.
Herewith a service for those who need a good "gotcha" that will pinch but
not cause an irreparable breach in your relationship: In inverse order,
our Top 10 Tunes to Bother Your Lover, starting with No. 10.

10. "My Heart Will Go On." Or, "Your Love Will Go Nuts." Nobody really knows
the words to this song except the final line, "My heart will go on and on."
So hum it, or mumble through the melody, until you reach the critical line,
and then sing it LOUD, brothers and sisters: "MY HEART WILL GO ON AND
ON!!!!"

9. "Wind Beneath My Wings." Or, as we like to call it, "Breaking Wind Beneath
My Wings." Bette Midler once was cool. Now she's a Stepford Wife. But this song sticks out as really, really annoying.

8. "Havin' My Baby." That Paul Anka. After a career of "Puppy Love" songs,
he got hip in '74 with this song about "the seed inside ya, baby" and some
stuff about abortion. Hey, try this: Start with a little "Puppy Love" and
then break into "Havin' My Baby." That'll have your lover howlin' like a
dog.

7. "Tie a Yellow Ribbon." "I'll stay on the bus, forget about us, put the
blame on me!" While you're crooning, tie a yellow ribbon 'round your lover's
neck, because he or she might want to dangle from a joist as you sing.

6-5 (tie). "Brandy" and "Mandy." Confused? Brandy was a fine girl, what a
good wife she would be. And Mandy, she came and she gave without taking.
Brandy lost her sailor (his life, his love, his lady was the sea). And Barry
lost his Mandy (he sent her away). Mix 'n' match 'em. But have an escape
hatch handy.

4. "We've Only Just Begun." To leave. Which is what your love will do if you
sing this tune just the right way. Remember, the key is to sing it out of
tune. And do a lot of that vibrato stuff on "to live." And then make retching sounds. That should do it.

3. "You light Up My Life." By Debbie Boone. Watch out for the key change to
the upper register. (Huh?) And just sing "You light up my life" and then hum
the rest. And then again. And again. And A-G-A-I-N!

2. "Feelings." Everyone, I think, has groaned a time or two over "Feelings."
And not in that good way. For our purposes, remember that the chorus is the
big thing. "Feelings, whoa whoa whoa, FEELINGS ... "
To really impress your loved one, sing this song in the voice of Elmer Fudd:
"Feewings, whoa whoa whoa, FEEWINGS!"

1. Drum roll please. The song that did for music what "Plan 9 From Outer
Space" did for movies. By Bobby Goldsboro, the one, the only, "Honey."
Revisit the lyrics and you'll see the guy was married to a real dim bulb.
She was "kinda dumb." She cried ALL THE TIME. She fell in the snow and
almost killed herself. And she wrecked the car … and CRIED. But you can
forget all that stuff. For our purposes, just sing, "And, honey, I love
you." Or, again, like Elmer: "And honey, I wuv you."

Now just add your own song, the one you can hum in his/her ear and make him/her shriek and flee the room.

And keep in mind that your song is supposed to be a sweet reminder to your lover that your love her but …
Which reminds me …
"And, honey, I wuv youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" …

Posted at June 14, 2004 11:58 AM