Now you tell us what's wrong with a professional filmmaker trying to find rising young stars at a job fair.
Right! Nada!
But such a guy has been banned from a such a job fair in Hong Kong.
The fact that he makes porn movies had something to do with his ejection, but we're not sure what.
The pornophile, Tommy Wong, was quoted as saying, "I don't understand why the organizers are so sensitive. ... I even mentioned that the actors have to be nude."
But organizer Winnie Chan Wai-yan was quoted as saying, "We do not recommend that they [young job seekers] start their careers in such industries."
Come on, Winnie. Look at Paris Hilton. And Pam Anderson. And that McCarthy woman. Even Sly Stallone.
They started on the bottom, and look where they are today.

The president has fallen.
Long live America.
Mr. Dubya, sturdy as a fencepost and just as brilliant, suffered only a minor booboo when he fell off his bike the other day at his ranch in Crawford, Texas.
He scratched his knee. Surprisingly, he did not require medical attention.
Mr. Prez has fallen before, you know. He appears to be emulating that earlier president, George Ford, who stumbled about 4 zillion times back in the '70s.
We encourage GWB to be careful until Election Day. We don't think the world is ready for President George Cheney.
[Reader note: So as not to get too confused, we've decided to sort of adopt the practice of former heavyweight boxing champion of the world George Foreman, who named all his children George. Henceforth we shall call all our presidents, from Washington on, "George."]

This may sound like a crazy idea (stop the snickering), but we suggest that we legalize sex between female teachers and their young male charges.
We've written extensively about such couplings, and now we can add a case from California.
We suggest legalization for a very simple reason: We'll never stop this epidemic. We can only hope to control it with education and tolerance.
As for the case in California:
According to a reliable source (some Web site somewhere with a classy layout), former middle school teacher Jamie Renee Putnam is charged with two counts of lewd acts with a child, one count of unlawful sexual intercourse, eight counts of furnishing marijuana to minors, 11 counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and one count of possessing marijuana on school grounds.
She allegedly had groups of boys over for pot-and-sex parties.
Hold on, now. We're not advocating the use of marijuana as a teaching tool. We've been told it causes memory lapses.
No, what we are advocating is... Uh, where were we?
Oh, yes. John Edwards.
Johnny dropped us a line today, or yesterday. We forget.
He had some very nice things to say to and about us. We hope he wins whatever he is running for.
But about that teacher-student sex thing.
Forget it. We must have been high even to suggest such a thing.

So Bill got in touch with us today yesterday. You know. Bill Clinton.
We thought maybe he wanted to chat about women, get our advice, that sort of thing.
Then we realized that Hillary was probably looking over his shoulder, making sure he wasn't looking at porn sites.
As it turned out, Bill wanted to talk politics.
And he gave us the nicest compliment: "With you [yes, Would We Lie] leading the way, the Kerry-Edwards campaign is writing a remarkable new chapter in presidential politics."
We blushed the first time we read that. But hey, the truth's the truth, you know?
However, as nonpartisan, fair but unbalanced journalists, we must stay above the fray.
Vote your conscience. But vote.
And if you simply have to, you can make us your write-in choice for the presidency of the United States.
If nominated, we'll run (it's really more of a walk, actually). If elected, we'll serve ... as long as we can choose a Cabinet that will do our thinking for us.
Hey. It's been done before, you know.

Who says getting old has to be miserable?
OK, besides you?
In Holland, they now have a sport we ancient folk can call our own: battery-powered electric scooter racing.
The first Dutch batter-powered electric scooter race was held this week, and the winning team was led by an 82-year-old guy. His team beat contingents from 12 other nursing homes.
The teams raced over a 250-yard course of speed bumps, wooden ramps and plastic slalom cones.
The oldies' carts, with a top speed of 7.5 mph, are equipped with comfortable seats, armrests, handlebars and shopping baskets.
According to the original report from which we filched, Holland has one of the highest life expectancies in the world, and demand for scooters is way up there.
Highest life expectancies? Holland?
Hold on a second. We're trying to put 2 and 2 together.
Holland. Tulips. Wooden shoes. Windmills. And ...
Marijuana!
People in Holland smoke a lot of pot. And they live a long, long time.
Thus, if a equals b, and c equals d, then pot must add years to your life.
So one can extrapolate that at least some of those seniors rushing headlong around that demanding course were higher than the space station.
And when they were finished, they zigzagged on down to the nearest convenience store to load their shopping baskets with munchies galore.
Now that's what we call a Dutch treat.

There was an old man named Hussein
whose legacy was just one big stain
he sat on his butt,
wrote poems, the nut,
and lamented the end of his reign.

So the man who tried to kill the president's daddy has hobbies.
Isn't that sweet?
Saddam, the man who used Iraq like a toilet, can write poems about George
Bush. He can work outside, pretending he has a green thumb rather than a
red one covered in the blood of countless human beings he ordered murdered
over the years.
We're pleased for him. After all, we imagine he doesn't have a lot of time left for such leisure activities.
Just one question: Will the Sad-man get to write his own eulogy and put together the flower arrangement for his funeral?

Let's see now. We've had complaints about mice in beer. A "toad" in a McDonald's salad. Chewing gum in a completely different McDonald's salad.
Now comes Russell L. Long (not the son of Huey Long and longtime senator, who happens to be dead), suing over milk he received at a Denny's in Virginia that Long says was filled with maggots.
Maggots, as you probably know, are those puny Marine recruits who get abused by their drill sergeants until they become men. Or die. Whichever.
But for our purposes, they are, as per dictionary.com, "the legless, soft-bodied, wormlike larva of any of various flies of the order Diptera, often found in decaying matter."
Yummy? You bet!
The lawsuit, however, says Long can no longer eat comfortably at restaurants and can no longer enjoy daily family meals or special occasions. The guy just can't get along with food and drink these days.
And he wants $1 million to compensate for his starvation.
Denny's has denied the allegation. It also has said that if maggots were in the milk, it was the fault of the milk provider, Marva Maid Maggoty Milk.
Just playing, Marvy.
At this point we should tell diners that many creepy-crawly creatures, including cockroaches, spiders, worms and old shoes, are filled with nutrients and should be consumed heartily, not condemned in lawsuits.
So get out there and eat a bee for better health!
(The above advice is based strictly on one man's crackpot epidemiology and has no bearing on real life. Caveat emptor.)

Cheer up, fellow fat people! We now have our own beauty pageant!
You'll have to go to Italy to participate. And you will have to weigh a bunch -- a BIG bunch.
We're not sure just how much. The news article we "borrowed" from said the winners were a stone woman and a stone man. You have to figure people made of stone would weigh a hell of a lot.
Or it could have been a misprint, and the man and woman were stoned.
Nonetheless.
It's a contest just for us fatties. And it's intended to make fat people feel better about being fat.
Oh, does the word "fat" trouble you? Would you prefer "obese"? Or "overweight"? Or "blubberbutt"?
OK, let's go with "big."
The "big" winners in the Mr. and Mrs. Over Size contest were Fabio Teseo and Giovanna Guidoni.
Let's congratulate them now and call them names later, OK?

Why did the blind milkman cross the road?
To get to the "udder" side.
OK, groan if you must, but that abysmal joke is based on the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Neil Middlehurst, who is 49 and blind, made a habit of groping the breasts of young women who'd stopped to help him cross the street.
Middlehurst, of somewhere in England (hey, we can't look up everything), pleaded guilty to charges of indecent assault and was given something called an "anti-social behaviour order" telling him to stop doing that.
Groping young women's breasts, that is.
The order requires Middlehurst him to place his hand only on the shoulder of any woman helping him.
But, geez, the guy's blind. How's he going to know where his hand is going?

Do you know what "MILF" means?
We thought not.
But lots of folks in Washington state apparently do. They've complained to the state about the guy whose vanity license plate says "GOTMILF."
So Michael Syravong had to switch to a plate that says "PUNISHR."
Syravong is obviously a sex addict. First he talks about mothers he'd like to, uh, get acquainted with (thus the "MILF," get it?), and then he brags about his S&M proclivities.
For those who are still in the dark regarding "MILF," let us explain:
It's a four-letter abbreviation for "Mothers I'd Like to ..." The "F" is a four-letter word in its own right.
Nudge, nudge.

"Join the Army, get a bigger (enter your inadequate body part here) for FREE!"
Yes, the New Military is giving members and their families plastic surgery, and you're paying for it.
We're not, because we don't pay taxes. It's a principle thing.
(Just kidding, IRS.)
But seriously. The U.S. armed forces are providing such things as face-lifts, breast enlargements, liposuction and nose jobs for "anyone wearing a uniform," according to a reliable source.
The article to which we refer did not mention other, ummmm, enhancements, but you know Marines are going to want the biggest of everything.
Before you get all huffy about your money going to give a Marine bigger breasts and a bigger baton, hear out this military spokesman.
"The surgeons have to have someone to practice on."
In fact, we can see a TV series coming out of this. Contestants compete for the opportunity to enlist in the service and get an extreme makeover while avoiding car bombs and kidnappers in the Greater Middle East.
It's got "hit" written all over it, doncha think?

In the news biz, we often hear the lament: "Everybody's an editor."
We often hear that because after we've turned in a brilliantly written piece, full of nuance and that kind of crap, busybodies around the room have to stick their honkers into it, with such constructive criticism as: "This is a piece of s--t!" Or, "Is this s--t supposed to be in English?" (Newsfolk use the word "s--t" a lot. It keeps us grounded.)
Despite that, we're not all Thomas Bowdler, from whose name we get the word "bowdlerize," which means "To expurgate (a book, for example) prudishly."
Utah, on the other hand, does. A mystery Bowdler has "purified" several books in a public library, replacing "bad" words with "good" ones, such as "heck," "darn" and "poop." Well, maybe not "poop."
The evildoer even uses boldly colored markers, forcing library workers to discard the books.
Fortunately, Mystery Bowdler is only besmirching books in the "Murder, She Wrote" series.
Which makes us wonder how they found the bowdlerisms in the first place.

More drunken Americans embarrassing themselves and their country:
In Kokomo, Ind., which was named after a famous chimp, three men convicted of drunken driving were ordered to attend a program at which panelists talk about how drunken drivers have hurt them.
The three dutifully showed up -- drunk. Thus hurting even more the people who were there to talk about being hurt by drunken drivers.
The three were arrested. Again.
Howard County Sheriff Marty Talbert called the situation "appalling."
Indeed.
And just in case you're driving in Indiana any time soon, watch out for these guys: Bruce Hendrix, 47, Michael Dimitt, 40, and Andrew Johnson, 55.

We Americans are so concerned about our own air security (which is a good thing, don't get us wrong) that we sometimes forget that other countries are having problems in that area, too.
Take Russia, for instance.
Just the other day a passenger aboard Russia's top airline was attacked and beaten.
The assailants? Two drunken flight attendants.
The passenger, a Mr. Chernopup, apparently complained abour poor service because the flight attendants were drinking. (You know Russians love their vodka.)
So the flight attendants beat him to a fare-thee-well.
The attendants must've started sousing even before giving the passengers the safety chat, you know: Location of the emergency exits and how to use them; how to use other passengers as float devices in case the plane plunges into an ocean, lake or creek; how to buckle your seat belt when you're smashed out of your gourd.
In fact, they might have been too drunk to give those valuable airline tips. After all, they didn't even start serving food until an hour and a half into the four-hour flight.
And when they did, they left more food on the floor of the aisle than they passed on to passengers.
Which upset Mr. Chernobyl, who asked for sober flight attendants.
Which upset his servers, who decided to pummel him.
As a real news site reported, "The entire crew of the flight" was temporarily dismissed "and a joint commission was investigating the incident."
We can assume that Russia soon will have a Homeland Security agency and that guards will create long lines by strip-searching passengers and smelling their breath.
Das vidania.

If you've watched "Six Feet Under," you know that odd things happen before, during and after funerals on that show.
But that sort of stuff happens in real life, too. Take the Alabama guy who ended up in a hospital after he and his brother-in-law argued over who got to keep a plant from another relative's funeral.
The plant cost $17.
Dan Holt, 42, was stabbed. William Ivey, 38, wielded the knife. Ivey told police he stabbed his brother-in-law after Holt hit him on the head with a gun.
The funeral was for Ivey's father.
The uproar, with family members screaming at one another and so forth, brought police and firefighters rushing to the scene.
Officials are expected to send the case to a grand jury.
But, people, just think about it. Is a $17 plant (which is better than flowers because you can keep it indefinitely, while the flowers, as symbols of life on this planet, die in a matter of days) worth causing a family catastrophe?
Of course not.
So here's the solution: Next time a loved one dies, rather than cause a family dust-up, just send a contribution to your favorite charity: the Would We Lie? Home for Middle-Aged Men with White Hair. At this address.
Your dearly departed would want it that way.

Back when Chris Fariello was the Daily News sex columnist (you remember those days, don't you?), he answered a question from a young woman who wanted to know whether having sex with her dog could be considered cheating on her boyfriend.
Mr. Fariello was nonjudgmental and wrote about the problems inherent in human-animal intercourse. One of those problems that he really didn't touch on was that man-woman sex with cat-dog-pelican-whatever is illegal.
Now we don't know what priority the law enforcement folks put on putting pet molesters away. We assume it's less than they put on murderers, rapists (of humans), armed robbers with bullet-absorbing vests and helmets and 7,000 rounds of ammunition for their 17 AK-47s.
But it's probably more than they put on CEOs of gigantic corporations who take money off the top, accept huge salaries and huger bonuses. We think they wait for such cases to be shoved up their ... noses before taking actions.
Which is the long way of saying an Illinois man is being hunted on a charge of having sex with a pit bull-boxer mix.
Daniel J. Joyner, 27, was named after police investigated a complaint from the dog's owner.
Seems the dog lost all its aggressiveness after the sexual interlude. And what's a pit bull good for if not to tear off the faces of suspected intruders and children below the age of 12?
So anyway, Joyner faces felony charges of engaging in sexual conduct with an animal and criminal damage to property. He could face up to nine years in prison and $75,000.
The good news comes from Debra Bree an assistant state attorney in Kane County, which we assume is in Illinois.
Bree pointed out that although reports of animal abuse and cruelty have increased, reports of people having sex with animals has declined.
Of course, it could be that many victims have stopped reporting such cases, believing that police just wouldn't believe them.

We think we've had just about enough nudity in this space for a while.
So we won't tell you about the guy in Tennessee who was picked up by police after he'd broken into a snack bar and taken several snacks.
We won't point out that he was nude and covered in nacho cheese.
He was also about six sheets to the wind, if you get our drift.
Oh, wait. We weren't going to tell you that.
We will tell you that the guy's name is Michael P. Monn and that he was charged with illegally imitating a Nacho Bell Grande, which is a trademark violation.

There was an old woman who lived in California
She was nice and polite, and you knew she'd never scorn ya
She ate bacon, drank coffee,
had some hootch now and then,
Elma Corning reached 112, two years past 110.

Elma Corning died at a California rest home. She had been California's oldest woman. An age researcher said Corning lived so long because she acted as if no one ever told her she was old.
So quit telling us we look old, dammit!

Maybe you've read about the new lazy-day activity on (or should we say just off of) the Florida coast.
Young people are hanging themselves from meat hooks.
They apparently pierce their bodies with the hooks and just hang around on a sandbar.
On the day in question, police found a young woman dangling from the hooks.
To quote Reuters, "According to a Coast Guard video, she did not seem to mind the hooks."
Lt. Tom Brazil of the Coast Guard is reported to have noted that the young freaks are breaking no laws.
Maybe not. But we blame the movies. (What a non sequitur, eh?) Those Hollywood liberals are planting these sick ideas in the heads of our young people, hoping they'll become so twisted that, like robots, they'll vote Democratic every time. That is, assuming that robots do vote Democractic every time.
Some examples? How about those two "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" flicks. That wacky family hung young people on meat hooks. Right?
And don't forget that classic of liberal brainwashing, "Three on a Meathook."
It's propaganda, plain and simple. If you don't think so, take a look at the name of this apparently real short film: "I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her On A Meathook, And Now I Have A Three-Picture Deal At Disney."
A three-picture deal at Disney.
Those sad children in Florida are just rehearsing for their close-up, Mr. DeMille.

Sorry. We just couldn't let this one pass by without a comment or two.
A fellow in Brazil tried to sue a friend after the friend persuaded him to join in an orgy.
You all know what an orgy is, correct? No definition needed?
Good.
So the guy participates in the orgy (and you do know what "participates" means here, yes?). Then he sues, saying he only did it because he was drunk.
If he was that drunk, we suspect he did nothing at the orgy except gape through his bloodshot eyes.
Anyway, the judge threw the case out, telling the complainant (with words that shall echo around the world):
"Whoever takes part in an orgy knows what is coming."
Amen, brothers and sisters.

They study the weirdest things in Germany.
The latest example: Psychologists at Bremen University say blondes become dumber after hearing dumb-blonde jokes.
You know how those studies go: They picked some students, some of them blondes, and told them stuff.
One group was told one thing. The other was told something else.
The key was that some blondes were basically told they were stupid.
They did less well than others in the various tests afterward.
Blondes who weren't denigrated apparently did better.
But they were stull dumb.
Hey, blondie, that's not me saying it - take it up with the Germans!
Those are the people who live in Germany. Remember?

We're proud to be an Okie from Oklahoma.
That's redundant, we know. But it just feels somehow ... right.
Now to the news:
Two sisters from Sulphur, Okla., were swimming at a recreation area when they began fighting in the water.
The fight moved toward land, and at some point both women lost their tops, exposing their breasts to the multitudes on shore.
Candace Denise Rochelle Hamilton, 32, was charged with disturbing the peace.
Her sister, Melody Mae Fisher, left the area as the curses from Hamilton and her children rang out.
Our point? In Oklahoma, we don't need no Jerry Springer or "Survivor" or "Donald Trump Presents: 10 Ways to Humiliate Your Employees and Make Them Cry."
We make our own fun.

Most American airline passengers show their patriotism and support for security by cooperating completely with security guards. They know that a nut could get on a plane and wreak all sorts of havoc. So they stand in long lines. They take off their shoes. They open their bags.
Daryl Miller is not one of those Americans.
To prove that he was not carrying any weapons of mass distruction, he dropped his shorts in front of a guard in Minneapolis.
Miller was not wearing underwear. (But then again, who does these days?)
He was charged with indecent exposure.
Miller also had a note in his bag with some vulgar expletives he said was intended for the guard who looked inside.
Airport police Lt. Matt Christenson summed up the matter quite succinctly:
"This person exposed themself in a public area, a clear violation of the law, and we needed to take some action on that, otherwise everybody would be dropping their pants."
And we certainly wouldn't want that, now, would we?

We've written about snot for sale before, and some of you dissed us.
We have another story about someone selling snot -- for real -- and we suspect that those same naysayers will naysay yet again.
Be that as it may... a British "artist" who collected the stuff from his nose for two years and then put what he called the "Bogey Ball" on exhibit is now willing to sell the mass... for $20,000.
The artist, James Robert Ford, calls the bolus "a physical record of all the
different places I have been and people I've met."
Asked about parting with his work of art, Ford is quoted as saying, "It will be hard to let go, but at the same time it's hard not to have any money."
We console him with the fact that he can start on another "Bogey Ball" any time he wants.
As long as he stays wayyyyy over there in England.

Update! Update! Update!
According to a news organization in Tampa:
Debra LaFave, a teacher accused of having sex with a 14-year-old male student, once had a fling with Nick Carter of Backdoor Boys fame.
After that love faded, the newsfolk down there said, she had a "lesbian" affair with a good friend.
The friend, whose name is Casey, apparently has been so upset about all the talk about LaFave case that she OD'd on Nick Carter music and had to be hospitalized.
Coincidentally, Nick Carter was a big star at the turn of some century or another, as a dime novel detective. He has faded from circulation.
Much like, um, the new Nick Carter.

The world is abuzz about an odd occurrence in the mountainous kingdom of Bhutan: It seems a mule has given birth.
While not impossible, according to experts, such foaliage is extremely rare.
But even more miraculous: Haa, the mule, gave birth to a male human child and named it Brian.
According to kingdomofbhutan.com, Bhutan is a country in the eastern Himalayas that has been "visited by a great many saints, mystics, scholars and pilgrims over the centuries."
Brian was discovered by three men who were following a star (we think it was Angelina Jolie). The three were suspected of being paparazzi.
Haa is a golden mule, and rumor has it the birth was foretold by Nostradamus, the 16th century seer, in one of his quatrains.
Mules are crosses between male donkeys and a female horses. Experts suspect that Haa must have had relations with a male human, and a source says the investigation is focusing on Michael Jackson.
OK, OK, OK. Most of the above is untrue. But the mule did have a baby. And it did happen in Bhutan.
Would we lie?

This just in (so to speak):
The makers of Cialis, the erection drug, are making the "Cialis Promise."
You can get a free sample of the pill, and if you don't like what it does for you, the company will give you either Viagra or Levitra. We recommend Viagra (not that we need such stimulants).
Sales of Cialis are not rising, thus the ad scheme.
Paul Clark, the head cheese at ICOS Corp., was quoted as saying, "We're putting our money where our mouth is."
We've never heard of that position, but we're looking forward to trying it.

On the campaign trail:
Clever move by the Bush administration, trying to get the election "postponed."
The excuse? Troublesome chatter indicating that terrrorists plan a devastating attack in the fall.
According to MSNBC, "intelligence" types are concerned that an attack would affect the election.
But hold on a minute. If we postpone, don't the terrorists win? And doesn't Dubya stay in the White House, where he and Dick Cheney can hide from people calling them names (NAACP) and can curse all those who would oppose them (Sen. Patrick Leahy, for instance)?
OK, maybe Bush is not behind the postponement talk.
It's probably just another coincidence.

Word comes from Fiji that social workers are trying to humanize a 32-year-old man who was raised by chickens.
The guy reportedly was locked in a chicken coop when he was a kid and now behaves like a chicken.
He apparently escaped the coop and later was taken to a hospital. Workers there, buffaloed by the man's actions, locked him in a room and tied him to a bed, where he roosted for more than 20 years.
Now social worker Elizabeth Clayton is treating him.
Clayton was quoted as saying the man (we'll call him Funky) "had ... imprinted with the chicken."
"He was perching, he was picking at his food, he was hopping around like a chicken.
"He'd keep his hands in a chickenlike fashion, and he'd make a noise which was like the calling of a chicken - which he still has."
If the treatments don't work, the islanders will have a feast of finger food followed by fried Funky.

Are these more signs of the end times as prophesied in "Harry Potter and the Last Crusade"?
In Kenya, pigs are mating with stray dogs.
In Arizona, pelicans are flying straight into sidewalks and roads, confusing the paved surfaces for lakes and other bodies of water.
In Canada, a guide dog that understands only French has caused his human companion -- yes, blind companion -- to be kept out of an English class.
And in drought-stricken Australia, thirsty kangaroos -- yes, kangaroos! -- are moving into the suburbs seeking drink and then attacking humans and other animals.
Wasn't it in the Book of Aberration, the final chapter in "Last Crusade," where it was written, "And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats ... "
Or maybe that was "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."
Either way, you can be sure they are signs of something nefarious.
So for the time being, don't be turning your backs on any pigs or kangaroos.

Talk about getting caught with your pants down.
A couple of teenagers in New Jersey were in a car that crashed into a telephone pole. Because of their dishevelment, police suspected they had been having sex.
Sex can be a distraction to driving, you know, whether you're participating or just watching.
Both the male kid and the female kid are 18. The young man was driving, so to speak. He was naked from the waist down. The young woman, purportedly his girlfriend, also had her pants off.
A witness is reported to have told police that he saw a female passenger climb on the driver and begin moving in a sexual manner.
Yep, sounds like sex to us, given the little we know about that subject.
The two were taken to a hospital. The young man faces charges that include driving without insurance, pants or good sense.
We guess there's no law against being a naked passenger, or impairing a driver's vision by crawling on top of him. But maybe there should be.

This guy, as a colleague has pointed out, must have been trying to break every record in the Guiness Stout Book of Dubious Records. For his "alleged" crimes we award him the Extreme Freak of the Week.
The man was pulled over in Toronto (that's in Canada, we think) because he was driving the wrong way down a one-way street.
Ain't that always the way it starts?
Police found the guy naked from the waist down, watching kiddie porn on his laptop computer after apparently stealing an Internet connection, and, of course, driving stupidly.
When the half-naked man was stopped, he was watching a video that involved a 10-year-old girl doing a very adult thing, a thing that might still be illegal in some states.
'Nuff said about that.
Walter Nowakowski, 33, of Delhi faces numerous charges related to child pornography and theft of communications.
At his home police found 10 computers and thousands of discs that police suspect contain "Martha Stewart Living" episodes.
No, but really.
More generally, police say, according to some Toronto publications, that "stealing the Internet is becoming more common among perverts trying to avoid online detection."
As practicing pervs, we just want to state that we've never stolen anything ever in our lives. We acknowledge our perviosity and perv out only in legal ways.

Here's a kid whom other kids no doubt dream about strangling:
Jason Rae, 17, of Rice Lake, Wis., has been elected one of four representatives to the Democratic National Committee convention in Boston next month.
OK, you figure maybe he was just doing that as a prank, or punk, or joke, whatever those things are called these days.
But get this: The kid is first in his class, Student Council president, editor of the yearbook and active in his church.
Wait. The torture's not over.
He serves on the re-election steering committee of Sen. Russ Feingold, has worked on the gubernatorial campaign of Tom Barrett and is a vice chairman of the Barron County Democratic Party.
Sure, he's probably worked hard, given up TV, blah blah blah.
He may even be God in disguise.
But, tell the truth, you still want to plant a pie in his face.
Don't you?

We hesitate to ridicule our colleagues at other papers, but did you see that gigantic screw-up at the New York Post?
Even as we at "Would We Lie?" were getting the news firsthand from John Kerry that John Edwards was his choice for No. 2 on the Democratic ticket, the Post was declaring on its front page:
KERRY'S
CHOICE
Dem picks
Gephardt as
VP candidate
As former workers in Missouri, we want to pay our respects to Rep. Dick Gephardt and would have voted for him several times per election if we didn't have this felony conviction hanging over our heads.
We goof.
But what a booboo, huh?
Ranks right up there with the infamous "ROASTED NUTS" headline about burned-up mental patients, the headline that had Dewey beating Truman, and the one from 2000, "BUSH WINS."
Oh, yeah. He did. Eventually.
If you call that "winning."

We've long thought that putting cameras at traffic lights to catch those red-light runners was a great idea.
And we didn't even consider that the cameras would catch other ne'er-do-wells.
But according to an unidentified California man, just such a camera caught his wife cheating on him, and he figures he shouldn't have to pay the $341 ticket resulting from the shots the camera got.
He points out that the picture clearly shows another man doing ... what the husband should have been doing.
Driving, that is.

We just received a personal e-mail from John and wanted to share it with you.
Yes, we call him John. You can call him presidential candidate Kerry.
He wanted to let us know before the general public got wind of the news that John Edwards was his choice for No. 2 on the Democratic ticket.
That's right - you heard it here first, folks: Kerry-Edwards taking on Bush-Cheney in a tag-team match of great proportions.
We are impartial, objective journalists, so we're not sure why John (Kerry, that is) would write us. But he had some very kind words.
First he called us the "heart and soul" of his campaign. Pretty heady stuff, eh?
He went on to say, "Every time someone said you couldn't do it, you proved them wrong." And of course he is right (although we're not quite sure what it was we couldn't or could do).
The rest was stuff about Edwards. You know, "Edwards is great," blah blah blah. "Courage and conviction." Blah blah.
We're still waiting for our e-mail from Dubya, because we know both guys will want to drop by the house, talk about strategy, Vietnam, drugs and alcohol, the standard political stuff.
If you have any policy suggestions, just drop a line. We'll pass it on.
And we suspect our suggestions will carry some weight, us being the "heart and soul" and everything.

A municipal judge in Missouri screamed when he saw a mouse.
In his bottle of beer.
Randy Anglen says that not long ago he came home from work and opened a bottle of beer. (Let's call it Muller Diet Beer. We newspaperfolk are discouraged from publishing the names of real companies when we can make them up ourselves.)
Anglen says he drank the beer and poured the dregs into a nearby sink.
That's when he heard the "plunk." (That's an onomatopoeia, by the way, the sound of one mouse hitting the bottle -- literally.)
Anglen looked, saw the corpse, and got hysterical.
"The first thing I did was scream in horror," he was quoted as telling another news organization, from whom we borrow. "Then I screamed in revulsion. Then I dropped to the ground, holding my head in my hands while I was still screaming.
"My wife ran in, holding our 1-year-old, and she started screaming and the baby was screaming ... ."
And we understand his angst: We'd scream too if someone had drunk our beer without permission.
Even a mouse.

An ocean watchdog group, whatever that means, has criticized the type of hooks some fisherpeople use because they are a danger to sea turtles.
Longline fisherpeople, whoever they are, have been told they need to use circle-shaped hooks rather than J-shaped hooks in their fishering.
We're not fisherpeople, but we think that a circular hook would let the fish, or turtle, slide right off, defeating the purpose of the hook itself.
But we support the circular hooks for one reason: We assume they won't hook a bystander's head when the master caster misfires.
Ever felt one of those things sink into your flesh? Hey, it ain't fun.
One question, however: Will a change in hooks affect the master baiters out there?
Stay tuned.

Speaking of women teachers having their way with underage boys: We had to mention the tawdry, but alleged, affair involving Florida reading teacher Debra Beasley LaFave.
Take a look at thesmokinggun.com, see her photos (she's a lovely blonde, allegedly 23), and read court papers providing "alleged" details of her trysts with a 14-year-old kid.
Or just hang here and read all about it.
LaFave and the "victim" "allegedly" "did it" in her silver Isuzu Rodeo Sport while the kid's cousin drove them up and down the highway.
How appropriate.
The "victim" apparently bragged that he was shagging a "hot" teacher.
LaFave, who got married about a year ago, also has posed for "hot" pics and has been lauded by aberrant radio host Howard Stern.
Reading teacher LaFave, we're told, will soon have her own talk show, where she'll teach young men how to read between the lines and how to pronounce such words as "MMMMMMPFFFF!" and "YOWWWWZA!"
She'll also be touting her new teaching system, "Hooking on Phonics."

What the hell is going on with women teachers these days?
You've read all about them, we're sure. Several teachers across the United States have been convicted, or at least accused, of having sex with their young male charges.
Now comes news from Zimbabwe, which is somewhere far away, that a teacher punished students by having them suckle her breasts!
Actually the teacher gave her youngsters a choice of punishments: the breast suckling or 100 lashes with a cane.
We understand that 14 pupils chose the breast. But we can imagine the cane enticed a few of the more masochistic children.
The teacher faces disciplinary charges and could face child abuse charges later.
The appropriate punishment, we think, is that the teacher be deported to Philadelphia, where she can begin a new career as a dominatrix at one of the city's delightful sex clubs.

More dopes-on-dope news:
A Grand Rapids, Mich., man recently entered the Kent County Courthouse (reason unknown) and passed through the metal detectors.
Beep beep.
The man pulled keys out of his pocket and tried again.
Beep beep.
A security guard used a hand-held detector and it reacted to stuff in the 29-year-old man's front pockets.
The guy pulled some coins from said pockets, along with a little bag.
The guard says, "What's that?" The guy says, "It looks like weed."
It was, in fact, marijuana.
Then the man blamed his 12-year-old son for the whole mixup. He said he'd taken the bag from the boy, who found it while doing work in the yard, and put it in his pocket.
And forgot about it.
Yeah. Right.
The cops took the pot and let the man go, pending investigation.
In case you were wondering how much pot the guy had, the Grand Rapids Press reported that it was a "dime bag."
Which makes us wonder just how much pot they smoke over there, if everyone in town knows what a "dime bag" is.
I, for one, have never heard of such a thing. Dope fiends in the audience, please clarify.
Thanks.