Officials at Fort Walton Beach High School in Florida were chagrined after discovering that the Web site for info about its football team instead began displaying pictures of naked women.
The school's booster club apparently messed up and let a Ukrainian company take over the domain name. And you know those wacky Ukrainians.
In an apt metaphor, a booster club member said, "Somebody dropped the ball."
Fans checking out the site were either appalled or appreciative, depending on their level of depravity.
A spokesman for the booster club said it hoped to buy back the name soon.
Unfortunately, we were unable to track down that Web site to provide our reading public with the latest in breaking nudes ... uh, news.

Ever heard of Haribo? No?
OK, try this. Remember the "Little Rascals" kid who continually, annoyingly said, "Remarkabo!"
Well, the two words rhyme, kind of.
Haribo is a candymaker in Germany. It gained fame somewhere in the world with its Golden Bear, which we all know was later stolen by golfer Jack Nicklaus as a nickname.
More to the point: Haribo has attracted the ire of a Catholic college in Bonn because of its new candy wrappers, which show bits of fruit frolicking together in the altogether.
College officials say the fruits are obviously cavorting in a sexual manner, and they are offended.
A letter from the college says, according to other sources: "We are shocked at the shameless presentation of sexual practices on the wrapping, which includes not only sexual intercourse but also fellatio and cunnilingus."
If you don't believe those good Catholics, you can see for yourself right here.
In case you don't have a computer handy, let us try to describe the fruits' activities:
On one label, a lemon and a lime are winking and grinning and working on having little lemon-limes. (Said the college: "The lemon, which from the drawing looks female, is obviously enjoying it with the greatest of pleasure." Which we think is a good thing. Don't you?)
On another, a lime is joyfully licking a pair of cherries. (That lime does get around, doesn't he?)
The company's response to the Catholic criticism? "The new wrapping is certainly fruitier than the old. But we have not had any other complaints."
Given the recent history of the Catholic Church (and you know what we're talking about, nudge nudge, wink wink), we think the college's reaction to the fruity display is... "REMARKABO!"

Some Republicans are out to turn the GOP into the Gay Old Party. And we salute them.
They're called the Log Cabin Republicans, and they met yesterday to demand a room in the log cabin that is the Republican Party.
"There is a battle for the future of this party and we're highlighting inclusive Republicans who we believe, we're confident, are going to be the future of the party," Christopher Barron, political director of the LCR, has been quoted as saying at the "Big Tent Event."
"This party has to make a choice," Barron said. "You can't have it both ways."
Those who would have it both ways are known as the BRAWLERs, or the Bisexual Republican Activists Who Like Everybody Regardless.
The BRAWLERs, who held a private event, have chosen as their motto for 2004 the last words of convicted killer Gary Gilmore before he was executed:
"Let's Do It!"

A scientific study states that the workaday world has many more psychopaths than originally thought.
Originally, it was thought that the workaday world had two psychopaths. But the new study has found many millions more.
It suggests you look around your office and you can tell the psychos from the "normal" workers.
We took the study's advice, looked around the Daily News newsroom ... and we have nothing more to say.

We here at "Would We Lie?" have decided to honor our fellow earthlings with awards from time to time, to show that we care about humankind. (The animal world can take care of itself.)
Today we present our first "Devoted Parents of the New Millennium" Award, which goes to the Poseys of somewhere in Maryland.
Pat and Joe Posey have a 19-year-old son, Kevin, to whom they've given all of their love and a big bunch of goodies.
Kevin, who can't drive, owns a little red Corvette. And though he's had no formal schooling, he has a hefty college fund.
He's a quiet kid, his mother says. He never talks back, and he never makes a mess.
His father says he loves to go fishing with Kevin, who sits silently as Dad handles the bait and such.
Is Kevin the perfect son? The Poseys think so.
The fact that he's a Cabbage Patch Doll makes it all the better.
"With every kid that you adopt, you promise to love them and be a good parent and take care of them," Kevin's mother said, "and that's what we did."
Mr. Posey added, "He's very special."
And you may ask yourself, "My God, what have they done?"
But our family was touched by the obvious love and tenderness displayed by parents and child.
The tale even prompted us to give our daughter a great big hug and kiss.
We then had to change her clothes. Barbie doesn't like to be wrinkled.

As the debate continues over presidential candidate John Kerry's actions in the Vietnam War, we must step out of our role as objective journalists and issue the following statement:
As we've mentioned before, we are a combat veteran of the Vietnam War. We were in the Navy. We saw horrible things over there (especially in the bars of Olongopo City in the Philippines).
And all this talk about Kerry and Bush and their war and antiwar activities has forced us to step forward with an official apology for certain distortions we might have made regarding our wartime behavior.
We did not, as we might have told a certain young woman in a certain bar in Oklahoma after we returned from the hellhole that was Jacksonville, Fla., receive the Medal of Honor for rescuing 24 shipmates who were about to be beaten to a pulp by a group of crazy Marines.
We did not, as we might have told co-workers here at the Daily News, best then-LTJG John Kerry in a table tennis competition in Hong Kong in early 1973. In fact, if we met Kerry over there, we sure didn't know it.
We did not, as we might have told several mental health professionals over the years, suffer serious head injuries during combat. We was just born this way.
We did, despite what we told family and friends after the war, drink heavily and ingest other substances that are now illegal in the United States.
And finally, yes, we did keep certain items that we understood were to be returned to the Navy upon our discharge from the service. Where they are now, we do not know.
We hope our actions here today will give John Kerry and George W. Bush the courage to step forward and cleanse themselves of any fibs and half-truths they might have shared with their fellow Americans in these long years since that horrific war.
And please allow us one last admission: Despite what we might have told anyone who would listen, we did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.

The only thing we really knew about Nantucket before we read the following news was that it was part of a naughty limerick. You remember:

There was an old man from Nantucket
who found his false teeth in a bucket

Ahem. You know the rest.
Now, however, we know that Nantuckites (Nantuckians? Nantucks? Nanooks? What are those people called, anyway?) are a brave bunch of red-white-and-blue patriots.
Some of those Nantu ... Nanto ... folks recently reported seeing an Islamic radical named Amer El-Maati on their exclusive island.
Nantucket now is at its highest terror alert (which we think is mauve).
Agents passed out photos of the real madman, but we suspect that the people who reported seeing him were drunken rich people who have nothing better to do than sit on their riches and watch for creepy characters. You know: President Bush's voter base.
Police were apparently instructed to start chatting with anyone fitting the radical's description and explain to that person that he or she bears a striking resemblance to the bearded bastard.
Last we heard, Maati was still on the loose.

The greatest rhetorical question of all time, in our estimation:
Does a bear s--- in the woods?
You know why it's rhetorical, right? We are not really expecting an answer. We already know.
Yes. Of course a bear poops in the great outdoors.
But now that great question has a challenger:
Does a bear get bombed in the woods?
And we know the answer to that one, too, don't we?
Everyone has heard of the black bear in Washington that downed several cans of Rainier Beer and then passed out on the lawn of Baker Lake Resort.
And we've heard a great hoo-hah about the whole thing. "Hey, d'ja hear about the black bear that blacked out at Baker Lake? Hoo-hah!"
Wildlife agents even used beer as bait to lure the hungover beast into a cage to move it.
Which brings us to rhetorical question No. 3. We know a bear takes a dump in the woods. And we know it takes a drink in the woods.
But does a bear take a whiz in the woods?
The answer to that is in rhetorical question No. 4:
Is the pope Catholic?

Ho hum. Another day, another nude calendar.
Some regular folks in Maine have posed in their birthday suits for their 2005 calendar, "Altogether for the Garden Too."
The calendar is brought to you by the nonprofit McLaughlin Foundation Garden and Horticultural Center. It features men and women ranging in age from 36 to 77.
We haven't seen the new calendar. Nor did we see the old one. Nor have we seen "Calendar Girls," a movie about some Englishwomen who posed naked for some cause or other.
And we agree with those who think all bodies are beautiful. And we're sure the Maine folks are tastefully posed. You know, their naughty bits hidden behind rhododendrons and elephant ears and such.
But come on. This kind of stuff is just ... unnatural. We need to get those real folks back into clothes and get those nudie calendars, with young, naked, air-brushed women only, back into the garages and college dorms where they belong.
All in favor, say, "Aye yi yi!"

OK, so we've belittled Germany a smidge here at "Would We Lie?"
But that ends today.
Why? Because Germany has done something really neat: It now allows its soldiers to have sex with each other.
That's right. Men and men, men and women, women and women, captains and privates ... well, we guess privates are involved in every tryst, aren't they?
But now it's legal for the Germans!
This represents a world of change for them. Until now, the German military order of the day, every day, was that only Adolf Hitler could have sex.
And we are pretty sure that Hitler, who many scholars contend was the Michael Jackson of his day, died in 1945.
Regardless of Adolf's peculiarities, today's German soldiers are free at last!
Geschlecht! Geschlecht! Wollen alle wir, Geschlecht haben! (Translation: Sex! Sex! Let's all have sex!)
War might still be hell, but now the Germans can enjoy the heat.

We at "Would We Lie?" do not cover sports. That arena already has too many liars.
But a headline caught our eye and made us wonder.
The headline: Phelps takes on Thorpe in 200-meter freestyle tonight
It's an Olympic event, two well-known swimmers facing each other in a crucial swimming event. If one wins, we'll have world peace. If the other wins, we'll all have to move to Australia.
But our wandering mind took us a bit farther afield. We wondered: Who would win in a swimming match between Jim Phelps, leader of the "Mission: Impossible" squad, and Jim Thorpe, winner of numerous athletic awards who was named greatest athlete of part of a century (we think the last one) who went on to have a marvelous career as a drinker. And he was an Okie.
In your answer, please explain your reasoning. For instance: "Jim Phelps, who would choose to accept this mission, would sabotage Thorpe's swimming suit to fall down just as the starting gun went off."
Or: "Jim Thorpe would cream Phelps because he was from Oklahoma and Phelps was from Hollywood, and we all know that those Hollywood types take drugs and mess around with disease-riddled floosies, which makes them weak, weak, weak!"
See, it's kind of like Freddie vs. Jason, or Alien vs. Predator. Yes, all three premises are really, really stupid.
Please keep your answers within the bounds of good taste.
This quiz is brought to you by ouzo, the official drink of the Olympics.

Another terrible teacher outrage (but no "sexual relations" involved):
In Brazil, students are suing their teacher because she asked some of them to masturbate in class.
All manner of Brazilian folk expressed shock and dismay.
A police spokesman said, "We are all horrified."
School officials released a statement saying they were just as aghast.
According to ananova.com, quoting something called La Prensa (we looked at the La Prensa site but it was all gibberish to us), the teacher asked three 15-year-old boys to provide sperm so the class could study it up close and personal.
Yes, we're thinking the same thing you are: Maybe some of those students are suing because they WERE NOT asked for their sperm. Except the girls, of course, who might be suing because they think it was unfair of the teacher to ask for boys' sperm and not to ask for the girls' fluids, menstrual or otherwise.
There's obviously more to come on this story, so stay tuned.

If you've seen "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover," you'll get a little of the same flavor from this tidbit.
A wedding party unknowingly ate human flesh after the father of the bride got mad at a cousin and roasted him using coconut leaves and kerosene.
The father, his son, another cousin and another relative first tried the main corpse and then took back some meat for the other guests.
A police official said the guests probably didn't notice they were eating Benjie Ganay "due to their drunkenness."
Because of indigestion or whatever, the father told his village leader, who told police.
The police chief, Superintendent Rey Lanada, said the cannabalism would be treated as an aggravating circumstance in the murder case.
If you're planning to cook a cousin any time soon, we encourage you first to take a look at "Cooking Out With Hannibal the Cannibal." No one knows how to handle human flesh quite like that madman.

Have you people heard of this apparently nouveau event in the British Isles called "dogging sessions"?
Neither had we. And we thought we'd heard of everything.
If you had to guess, would you say it had something to do with sex? You know you would. And you'd be right.
But if you guessed it had to do with sexual positions, you'd be off the mark. At least what YOU'RE thinking would be wrong.
Dogging sessions are nighttime gatherings in which some people have sex in their cars while others watch from outside, at the same time performing lewd acts on themselves.
So where does the "dogging" come from? Apparently in the nascent phase of this activity, people pretended to be preparing to walk their dogs.
Whatever excuse works, right?
But the doggers have caught hell of late. A Web site listing the best dogging locations included Lord Bath's Longleat Estate. And that ticked off the estate's people, who called in the bobbies.
Now Lord Bath's place is off the list.
Several others remain, however. And we would happily provide that list if we knew where to find it.
We'll keep looking. In the meantime, you could start your own dogging sessions right here in Philly. We recommend Love Park, for a few reasons.
One, the name. 'Nuff said.
And B) No skateboarders.
You don't want those glory hogs taking away your audience, do you?

We assume you've not had your fill of the toe-licking terrorist in Rotterdam. So we're going to feed you some more.
Yes, a toe licker has been on the loose there, sneaking up on women who were sunbathing in bare feet and then licking their toes.
When police tried to stop him, they found out that toe licking is not illegal in Holland.
But hardly anything is illegal there, so we're surprised that lawmakers are working on such a ban.
But you know how legislative bodies work. A final vote will take place in about three years.
That gives you plenty of time to fly over, smoke some marijuana, lick some toes, visit a hooker, find a likable person of the same sex and get married, then lick some more toes, all legal in the Nutterlands.
Ah, now those are what we call Dutch treats.

This just wouldn't be "Would We Lie?" without a mention of Mary Kay Latourneau and her longtime beau, Milli Vanilli.
Latourneau, a former teacher, had sex with Vanili when Mili was 12. She got pregnant and convicted of rape or something. The judge went easy on her, letting her out of jail early if she promised to stay away from Milli. Mary Kay promised and then, as soon as she was out, had sex with Milli again, this time in a car. And again she got pregnant.
Those crazy kids!
So she went to prison. And now she's out. And a judge said she and Milli could get back together.
And, according to the always reliable New York Post, she's still hot for Vanilli, who is now 21. He has flown to Seattle to be with her.
Hold on. Now that we've actually read the piece in the Post, we have to correct ourselves. The kid's name is Vili Fualaau. Not Milli Vanilli.
We apologize to Mary Kay, Fualaau and all readers who demand accuracy from their journalists.
But we like the name Milli Vanilli. We think we'll use it.
After all, we don't really write any of this stuff. We have ghost writers for that.
We just accept the awards.

As you know, we here at the Daily News have been publishing names of would-be johns who allegedly solicit undercover officers posing as prostitutes.
More precisely, the Urban Warrior is exposing them before they expose themselves.
And if you're in favor of that, you'll love what Omaha, Neb., has done.
Several neighborhood associations there have joined to put up on giant billboards the names of men convicted of soliciting prostitution.
The slight difference is that the Omahanians wait until the people have been convicted before publishing their names.
The point remains, however, that prostitution can be curbed if we eliminate the demand.
It's all a matter of supply and demand. Without johns, hookers will go back to being schoolteachers and such. And the would-be johns will go back to having sex with their wives. Or dolls. Or sheep. Or whatever.

The headlines read: "Nixon resigns, 30 years later."
And we think it's about time.
But we wonder what took the paperwork so long. We mean, come on, 30 years?
But isn't that the way the bureaucracy works?
First they probably had to make sure they had the right signature. And that took, oh, four years or so.
Then a clerk left it in the coffee room, and Billy Carter spilled some beer all over it, and it had to be printed out again and Nixon had to sign it again.
Then Nancy Reagan's astrologer told the Reagans that it should be placed under the president's pillow to help him forget, as Nixon did, the bad things going on around him.
There's eight years right there.
It probably stayed under that pillow when the Bushes moved in, the chambermaid having seen it there so long she assumed it belonged there.
Four more.
Bill Clinton, sensitive that he is, probably felt it under the pillow, took it out, and had a good laugh reading it while Monica Lewinsky was interning down below.
Finally, Dubya, yearning to leave a legacy far more conservative than Reagan did, quietly got the paperwork through.
And voila! Nixon resigns, 30 years later!
We just wish the big guy could be here to celebrate with us.

It seems the Rooskies are going nuts over Rasputin's penis.
As we told you recently, Russia has opened its first erotic museum. Its No. 1 draw: Grigory Efimovich Rasputin's foot-long weiner.
But the Evil Monk's member has become more than just a piece of memorabilia. Visitors are rubbing their hands over its container in hopes that it will make them better lovers.
In fact, the crowds around Raspy's hot rod have grown so big that the museum is seeking a larger space to display it.
But not all visitors are in love with the wizard's willy.
Dr Igor Knyazkin, who runs the museum in St. Petersburg, noted that one man "tried to smash open the jar with the phallus of Rasputin in it. He was ... shouting that it should be destroyed, that it was unholy."
If you'd like to ogle this unnatural wonder, go here.
And if after you men see it you feel an inferiority complex coming on, try this.
If that doesn't do it for you, just say "shrinkage!"

The gang of hooligans boarded the bus, obviously bent on mischief.
Bloodthirsty thugs in ragged clothes, drool dripping from their tongues.
Marleny Villa watched from her seat on the bus as the evildoers began harassing other passengers.
Then the threats became more serious. The desperadoes were robbing the bus!
So Villa ate her money.
She rolled up each bill and stuffed it into her mouth.
Gulp. Gulp. Etc.
Down goes the equivalent of about $300.
After the gang departed, Villa was taken to a nearby hospital to have her stomach pumped.
A wacky police spokesman said, "She is one brave, crazy person, but ... she will still have the money."
Kudos to Marleny Villa for foiling the filthy felons.
[Note to readers: The above story is based on actual events that actually occurred in Peru. Only the descriptions of the robbers and robbery were embellished for dramatic purposes. The author was not in Peru and did NOT witness the actual holdup. In fact, the author has never BEEN to Peru and, chances are, will never GO to Peru. He's been robbed enough already.]

We Philly-stines have our sickos. Witness the brainless bozo who set fire to a young pit bull the other day.
But these little freaks in Tennessee take the proverbial cake.
Two boys, 14 and 11, put a puppy on a barbecue grill and cooked it.
That was after they'd tried to drown the poor creature.
Dregis Freeman, 10, tried to rescue the dog but was too late. Dregis said the boys told him they just wanted to see how the tail-wagger tasted.
The two heathens face charges of cruelty to animals.
Police didn't release their names, but we'll call them Jeffrey and John, after Dahmer and Gacy.
The worst human killers always start out with small animals. Let's not forget Robert Ramirez, the Night Stalker; David Berkowitz, Son of Sam; and many, many others.
And the best human beings care about their fellow creatures and try to make life better for one and all.
Thank you, Dregis Freeman, for caring.

A tip to heavy drinkers everywhere:
When you show up in court to fight your DUI charge, it might be a good idea NOT to show up drunk.
Our advice is too late to help Michael Hanczyk, 42, a Pennsylvania man whose boozy breath, according to witnesses, could be smelled throughout a courtroom near Pittsburgh.
Hanczyk was contending that he was driving safely when he caused a multi-car accident by stopping suddenly, thus making any evidence, as they call it in legal circles, "fruit of the possum tree."
A breath test in court indicated that Hanczyk had a blood alcohol level of 0.296 percent.
Trust us. That's one drunk son-of-a-gun.
The judge ordered him taken to a hospital for a blood test, and the hearing was rescheduled.
A point in Hanczyk's favor: He wore a sport coat and tie to court. We think the tie was one of those classy ones with a picture of a bottle of Jack Daniel's on the front.

Another example of bad sex:
A girlfriend and boyfriend had sex while in a Georgia jail, conceived a child, and now the grandparents of that baby girl want the county to help pay for her upkeep.
The sex partners said they were allowed a conjugal visit, but the sheriff says no no no, we don't do that kind of stuff here.
The sheriff said the boyfriend, Adrian Howard, picked some locks to get together with girlfriend LaTonya Finney. Heh. "Picked some locks." I'll bet he did.
Regardless of how the two managed to conceive the child, the grandparents, Ronnie and Patricia Finney, argue that Sheriff Kerry Dunaway shares some of the responsibility — and the cost — while the tot’s parents are both serving prison terms.
County Attorney David Mincey Jr.'s response: "I just think it’s a very, very bizarre social conscience these people have that their daughter conceives a child and they think the sheriff is responsible."
That could be, sources say, because little Adrianna bears a striking resemblance to Mr. Dunaway. Right down to her itsy-bitsy cowboy boots.

You bobbleheaded freaks out there will be excited to hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger has stopped his fight with a company that has been making Arnold bobblehead dolls.
Ohio Discount Merchandise has agreed to donate profits from the doll to a special Arnold charity, which as far as we know could be the Hollywood Home for Obsolete Terminators.
In return, Arnold has agreed to stop calling the company's top officials "girly men."
In unrelated Arnold news, we hear that the Denny's restaurant chain is planning to introduce a new breakfast combo named after the big galoot.
It's called the Arnold Hamenegger. It's an extra-large serving of ham, two jumbo eggs, and a side of Buergenlandische Gaenseleber, or goose liver simmered in onions.
The meal is guaranteed to add a little pep to your goosestep, or your Deutschmarks back.

Gooday, mates and mattresses:
You'll recall in our last episode that "Would We Lie?" called for an interplanetary ban on sex.
And our first step toward the peace that awaits us all is promotion of a special "pillow" for women. And it's made in Japan!
Japanese designers have created what they call the Boyfriend Arm Pillow, which according to a more gushy site "will happily hug them to sleep without making any demands."
One of the pillows even comes with an alarm: The "boyfriend" "vibrates" to "wake" the sleeping beauty.
Giving cause for optimism is this quote from somebody connected to the pillow maker: "Women of all ages have been queueing round the block to take one home."
Now all we need is a girlfriend pillow, and we're well on our way to a sex-free society.
And what will such freedom allow us in the future? We'll be able to talk more often to our boyfriends and girlfriends on our cell phones. We'll be able to spend more time at the bar, ogling the opposite sex (or same sex, if you prefer). We can afford more porn channels and Web sites, because we won't be spending so much money to attract members of the opposite (or whatever) sex into our beds (or wherever).
Yes, without sex we'll be able to ... uh, watch sex, listen to sex, taste sex, smell sex, wallow in sex. And all without actually having sex.
But wait a minute. Maybe we've been misled. Maybe sex is Nature's panacea. In addition to procreation, maybe sex provides pleasure in an unpleasant world. Maybe it allows us to show the deep love we feel for our partner. Maybe its various releases keep us from filling up with all sorts of fluids until we explode.
Maybe, just maybe, consensual sex between loving adults, however and wherever it is performed, is the key to WORLD PEACE! ...

Nah.
The sex is still out.

OK. We've had it. We're now calling for a worldwide ban on sex.
Period.
Just look at the trouble it has caused over the centuries.
Didn't Adam and Eve display some sexual disfunction that led them to be tossed from their own private sex club, the Garden?
We decided to lead this crusade after we stumbled upon a computer monitor upon which someone had searched Google News for the word "sex."
And what did we find?
A sex scandal within a soccer association in Europe. Two officials apparently had affairs with the same secretary.
In Australia, a magistrate is in court on charges of indecent assault and unlawful sexual intercourse. He allegedly had sex with a teenage girl ... in the early 1980s.
Also in Aussieland, a tennis coach has been found guilty of sex charges relating to a teenage girl he "taught."
Back in London, a Saudi diplomat is accused of sexually assaulting an 11-year-old girl.
We could go on and on. Google listed 63,000 stories that involve "sex."
If you agree with our cause, you can join us in our first demonstration, which is even now being planned.
We'll be out on the sidewalk showing all the fiends and pervs that people can be naked together and still not ravage each other like animals.
Oh yes. The protest will be an all-nude affair.
See you there.

We all know the dangers of police work. Fighting crime. Facing down death every day and night. Finding the right doughnut shop.
But few of us really know the sacrifices law enforcement types make for us.
For example:
In England, drugs are suspected in the death of a veteran officer.
Yes, Todd the drug-sniffing dog is dead. Officials suspect Todd died of an overdose.
Todd, 7 years old, was in a field hunting drugs when he began showing signs of illness.
He was rushed to a hospital, exhibiting signs of amphetamine ingestion. Despite the best efforts of the hospital staff, Todd bit the big one.
According to highly spaced sources in the White House, President Bush will send condolences. (Yes, he has approved this message.)
And yes, even hardened journalist types are grieving Todd's passing.
Well, not us, of course. We have to maintain an objectivity about such things, in order to find truth and justice.
To that end, we must ask some probing questions: Did Todd OD from legitimate police work? Or, as some have suggested, did Todd get hooked on the very drugs he was hired to track down? Was his OD accidental? Or deliberate? Did he eat doughnuts, or did he prefer scones? Does England even have doughnuts?
And finally, was Todd the drug-sniffing dog named after Todd DeLaMuca, the nerd's nerd of "Saturday Night Live" fame?
Answers to these and other questions will be forthcoming.
Or we'll find out why. Or why not.

OK, time for a quiz. First question:
What's so special about New Hampshire?
No, it's not that Franklin Pierce was born there. (Come on. Franklin Pierce??!!)
And no, not that it's bigger than Delaware. (Our cat is bigger than Delaware.)
True, it's very old, but that's not it, either. Delaware is older ... and smaller.
The answer, my friend, is that New Hampshire is the home of Jack the Snipper.
Not only that, but police have actually made an arrest in the Snipper case.
Jack got his name from the fact that he sneaks into women's homes and snips off their nightwear as they sleep.
According to the News Leader, "Police believe an intruder used scissors or another cutting tool to remove the women’s clothing."
They reached that conclusion after finding a pair of scissors and cut-up jammies at one crime scene.
Anyway. Jeffrey W. Gelinas, 28, was arrested a few days ago after a woman told police she noticed some guy trying to get into her bedroom through a window. Gelinas was found soon thereafter "sweating profusely and ... disheveled," according to someone else quoted in the News Leader.
Gelinas earlier pleaded guilty to a series of stalking, prowling and loitering charges.
He is called the "only suspect" in the Snipper case.
In another display of investigative sagacity, Durham, N.H., Deputy Police Chief Rene Kelley said, "This pattern of behavior is, quite frankly, very disturbing."
A source in Vermont, which is bigger than New Hampshire, said that videotape was found and that the late Andy Warhol intends to release it under the title "Sleep 2 -- Not As Soporific as Sleep One!"

We would be remiss if we didn't mention the naked guy who was arrested a few mornings ago as he performed an allegedly "lewd" act down the road in Delaware.
Ronald J. Krischbaum, 34, of New Castle, was allegedly standing on the side of Interstate 95, wearing a bra and women's underpants on his head and sneakers on his feet.
Krischbaum allegedly ran when police approached but was allegedly run down at a nearby alleged condo complex.
He has been charged with one count each of misdemeanor indecent exposure, lewdness and resisting arrest.
A highly placed source (a local Sunday newspaper that we were tempted to read) did not reveal the type of lewd act the naked man was allegedly performing.
So let's make this a contest. You know, like those online quizzes that so many media outlets now provide in an effort to attract young viewers away from their other activities, such as having sex, taking drugs, illegally downloading music and porn, and torturing defenseless animals.
OK then.
Was the naked man:
1) Mooning travelers.
2) Playing space cadet with the bra pulled down over his ears like a helmet.
3) Playing peekaboo with the sheer undies, peering through one leg hole and then the other.
4) Playing with something completely different.
And what prizes do we have for the winner, Johnny?
How about ... a sleepover in Philly, all expenses paid ... by the winner!
So get to that comment box and compete, compete, compete!

Some members of the Catholic Church have privately congratulated a priest and nun who recently were caught having sex at an airport in Malawi, "Would We Lie?" has been told by a highly placed but completely out-of-the-loop source.
The priest, 43, and the nun, 26, were discovered "doing it" in a wobbly car in a parking lot at Lilongwe International Airport. They later pleaded guilty to indecent behavior in public.
The nun said she regretted her brief lapse in judgment. The priest told the court that Satan had led him into temptation.
But in private, the two are being celebrated for reminding the world that priests and nuns do more than ... you know, those bad things the media have been dwelling on for months and months now.
The couple were coupling vigorously, prompting a passer-by to call police "after noticing the car shaking in a funny way."
Coincidentally, the act was caught on tape, which will soon be sold at finer video stores under the title, "The Devil Made Me Do It (and God Watched)!"