Romania, as you no doubt know, is the home of Dracula, aka Vlad the Impaler.
Speaking of Romania and impaling, a Romanian man who wanted no more children decided to glue a condom to his babymaker.
Nicolae Popovici, 43, and his wife have five children. That's plenty for anybody, we'd say. So they figured a condom would do the trick.
But the condom they bought was too big, so old Nicolae kept it in place with glue.
They had sex, after which Popovici realized he couldn't remove the thing. So he went to a medical clinic, where the condom was removed.
A nurse was quoted as saying, "He wanted it stuck on his penis so he could use it again later."
We suggest that next time Nicky buy the prophylactic that "small" men can live in: Condominimum.

Let us go then you and I
while the night is laid out against the sky
like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.

"Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
-- Ezra

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
-- G. B. Shaw

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

Good news for those who like to track down animals and kill them for sport: A Wisconsin man has created a chewing gum that he says hides human breath smells and allows hunters to get even closer to their prey.
Apparently deer hunters already have special soaps, shampoos and clothing detergent that mask the human scent. We guess these products allow the armed men to get so close they can put their barrels right to the heads of the animals.
We haven't whiffed any of these products, and we don't go around smelling people (well, not guys, anyway), but we think the whole thing stinks.
Nothing personal, you gun-toting (or in the case of Ted Nugent, bow-and-arrow-carrying) woodsmen.

A Florida teen and nine other women are fighting for their right to go topless in public. And "Would We Lie?" hereby endorses their action.
Athela Frandsen, 15, says her lawsuit is really about equal rights. When she was much younger, she points out, she could take off her shirt at the playground and it was no big deal. But as she got older, her mother said she would have to stop.
"People [read: Men] have made breasts sex objects, the dogs," Jan Frandsen said, more or less. Probably less.
As it turns out, Athela's parents are "naturists," which we think really means "nudists."
Which we also endorse.
So-called legal experts say the women's group, called the Topfree 10, have about as much chance of success as Al Gore did in Florida in 2000.
Despite their pessimism, "Would We Lie?" encourages Florida women to protest the state law with a nice topless demonstration on national TV, maybe on Election Day.
Hey, we can't help it. We're men.

Are we too late to get on the ridicule wagon? To make mock of GOP Chairman Ed Gillespie for threatening the Rock the Vote organization over its messages about the threat of a draft returning?
No? Good.
So Gillespie didn't care for the anti-draft campaign, thinking it might affect his party's chances in the coming election. He sent a letter to Rock the Vote suggesting that its nonprofit status could be in harm's way.
The Rock the Vote folks thumbed their noses at Big Ed and made obnoxious farting noises in his direction.
In related but untrue news, men in dark suits and cute fedoras attacked a little old lady who was driving a car that was festooned with Kerry-Edwards bumper stickers. She was on her way to church, the only place she had ever driven the car.

Did you ever want to see your teacher naked?
Well, there was that English teacher in 11th grade, Nancy something-or-other ...
But we're not talking about us.
In Arizona, some teens got to see their teacher and volleyball referee naked -- and aroused -- on the Internet, according to police and others we cannot name.
Alan Zoltan Kirsch, 34, was arrested and faces various sex charges. He allegedly sent pictures of himself to chatrooms in an effort to get teen girls to have sex with him.
Now, we know you're thinking that "Zoltan" was the fortune-telling machine in "Big." And that we'll try to make some smutty joke about "Zoltan" Kirsch and his "Big" pictures.
But you're wrong.

No wonder we have so many wars and such. Sexual frustration is running rampant out there in the world.
Case in point:
A Chinese man, frustrated that his wife wouldn't make love with him, called the emergency police number in hopes they would persuade his wife to be more compliant.
According to a Chinese paper, which we couldn't read if we wanted to, the man told the operator he had not had sex in 28 days.
Sounds like that movie title, eh? "28 Days Later"?
Anyway. Police told him they could not provide relief. So now -- 28 Days Later -- we guess the guy turns into a ghoul and eats his wife.

Another tragic cell phone photo debacle, and this one just down the highway:
A bus driver in New Castle County, Delaware, has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child. She's 21. The students are 15 and 17.

The driver, during a conversation with the students, asked whether they would like to see a picture of her boyfriend. She then, allegedly, handed them her cell phone, on the screen of which was a photo of said boyfriend -- in the buff.
The students, three weeks later, ratted her out. Big tattletales.
The bus driver lives in Bear. Her boyfriend, obviously, lives in Bare.

You've heard the cliche: When a couple has an especially intense sexual experience, they say "the earth moved."
A couple of couples discovered recently that other things move, too.
In England, a man and woman got especially active, rolled over a telephone and inadvertently dialed the Brits' police emergency number, 999.
Police heard sounds of "distress" and responded. The carnal couple were charged with disturbing the police.
In Argentina, a couple having sex in a car did not notice that the car was moving.
Until it fell off a cliff.
The coital couple were not hurt. But firefighters had to help the woman out of the crumpled car.
We have to admit, the earth probably did move under that couple -- at least a little.

OK. We've taken enough abuse about our ignorance regarding marijuana sales.
Some of you have expressed amazement that fully realized human beings such as we might not know what a "dime bag" is.
One reader went so far as to compare alcohol and pot, or grass, or weed, or ... OK, that's the extent of our knowledge of "street names" for Mary Jane.
So he says it should be obvious that a "dime bag" is $10 worth of marijuana in a bag.
Now comes this story from Florida, and we'll just see who the smartypants is.
A television reporter has reported that three third-graders in Orange County got busted for bringing pot to school.
The reporter reported, and we quote, "With a street value of about $10, the nickel bags of pot are far from the biggest drug seizure ever."
Note: $10, nickel bags. So maybe the pot was worth $10, the bag worth a nickel.
Anyway, the kids face felony charges of drug possession.
And we oppose that, just in case certain people are reading this. (WickedPaganNinja, that means you.)

The refreshing family-values story of the day:
An Indiana woman has risked a jail term to bond with her 5-year-old son.
Andrea Wilkey, 40, an enlightened mother who apparently never says no to her child, shared with the boy her crack cocaine.
Despite the fact that Wilkey has been sentenced to 18 months in prison, the experience proved to be positive for the little one. That is, he tested positive for cocaine the next day.
And even though Superior Court Judge Evan D. Goodman sentenced Wilkey to prison, he did note the woman's efforts to teach the child when he said, "It's home-schooling a child to be a drug addict."
And what better gift can a parent give a child than a good education?

A very practical reason to jump off the Bush bandwagon: That wagon could leave your sex life in the dust.
That's what happened to Republican Gov. Ah-nold, according to the Kindergarten Cop himself.
Schwarzenegger told a crowd of about 1,000 this week that after his speech at the GOP convention praising President Bush, his liberal Democratic wife, Maria Shriver, was not so liberal in the bedroom.
"Well," Mr. Muscles told the crowd when asked how his wife had reacted to his speech, "there was no sex for 14 days."
So, kids, just remember the old adage: A bird in the hand is worth eschewing Bush.

The encouragement was loud: "Shove it in! Shove it in!"
And Don Ezra Nicholas did just that.
We know. You're thinking about that sex Olympics scene in Woody Allen's "Bananas," with Howard Cosell delivering the blow-by-blow.
Alas, no. Nicholas, 19, was competing in a contest among contests in Singapore to set world records. He stuffed his face with more than 3 McDonald's hamburgers, breaking the record set by some other bigmouth.
"I am the burger king," the kid shouted after extruding the hamburger mush from his mouth.
Nicholas said later that the contest was extremely important to him "because everyone’s going to know that I can shove more than three burgers in my mouth!"
Look soon for Donnie in your local video store ... but only if it has an adult section.

Many horror stories have been based on technology gone horribly wrong.
We can't think of any at this time, but when we do, we'll add them here.
Now technology has taken us into the most treacherous territory we're ever likely to experience: the cell phone with camera.
In a recent transgression, a teenage boy in Hong Kong dressed as a woman, crept into a women's toilet, hid in a stall, held his phone over the partition and took pictures of women in the next cubicle.
The youth, 17, was discovered by a woman who heard a strange noise and noticed the phone intruding on her privacy.
The teen was arrested and is being investigated.
What shame we humans should feel, abusing these great advances.
And we'll be sure to let you know when those slimy photos hit the Web.

We know how Bill O'Reilly feels now.
Yes, a woman has threatened to file a sexual harassment lawsuit against "Would We Lie?"
She is not accusing us of forcing her to have phone sex. In fact, we think the only person in the world who could be guilty of such a vicious crime is Bill O'Reilly. He was born with a smirk, and his life is a power trip.
Nonetheless, the right-wing nut is innocent until proved guilty. Or whatever happens in civil court.
But we did nothing like that. In fact, we weren't even on the phone. We simply did a little innocent groping, and maybe a little tongue-in-the ear action.
And that's when she started screaming, "Sexual harassment! Sexual harassment!"
And we didn't even know wives could sue husbands over that.

Those naughty French.
According to a survey by a condom company, French folk have more sex than any other nation's folk.
Japan came in last.
According to the Durex survey, French folk average 137 sex acts a year. That's like every other day or something. (We lost our calculator.)
Our source, which we can't reveal for reasons of ego, did not indicate the average in the United States.
So we took our own survey, and from that we estimate that Americans have sex about 700 times a year.
Our survey is based on the responses of one American. He may be lying, but hey, we all lie about sex, don't we?

Playboy readers, take note:
A chemistry professor at the University of North Carolina rented his house to the magazine's photographers for their feature, "Girls of the ACC." Shots of nude UNC students were then taken there.
The university has backed Malcolm Forbes' freedom to behave like a human being when off-campus.
But at least three people have complained. The women, two doctoral students and a Ph.D., say they're appalled and made to feel cheap and blah blah blah.
They want to be admired for their brains ... you know, being doctoral types and all.
And we do admire their intelligence and ambition and hard work. We know how hard it was for us to get our GED.
But we wonder: Do those brainiac gals ever study in the nude?

You'd never see an American football fan do something like this:
A guy in Romania got so angry at his national soccer (yes, soccer, not football) team that he threw his TV out the window.
It landed on a balcony below, almost hitting two brothers.
The balcony folks chose not to press charges because they understood how he felt. They too were furious at their team's loss in some championship or other.
Fortunately, we here in America are so much more civilized. Just look at our Eagles fans. Would they shout obscenities at passing women? Would they make rude gestures? Or gang up on another team's fans and beat the living crap out of them?
Oh. Yeah. We guess they would.
Never mind.

Tennessee folks must not have libidos.
We say that because of the reaction by some when a sex-toy booth was opened at a Friends of Spring Hill Library flea market. It was held at a local church.
Passions & Pleasures President Katherine Williams, who womanned the booth, said she did nothing wrong.
"'The most questionable item we sold was a vibrating bath sponge that looks like a rubber ducky," Williams said. "It's the cutest thing."
And it no doubt does the trick in the tub.
The city administrator was aroused -- but in the wrong way.
Ken York said the booth will be cited for violating the city's sexually oriented business ordinance.
The mayor, Ray Williams, summed it up quite succinctly, we think, when he said, "'They're certainly no friends of the library."

Another example of your homeland security at work:
A San Diego woman objected, for some reason, when a female screener at Denver International Airport said she was going to feel the woman's breasts.
Ava Kingston, 36, said she balked at the notification, which promptly caused a phalanx of security folks to descend upon the woman. They told her she couldn't board without being felt up ... er, security-checked.
Eventually the security people tired of Kingston's resistance and shot her.
Just kidding. They booted her from the airport, so she took her fiance, rented a car and drove home.
Kingston was later quoted as saying, "I felt violated."
But dammit, if we can't violate our own people, how can we, in good conscience, violate the rest of the world?
And yes, we've already applied to be female security screeners.

If you haven't already read it in the Daily News, it'll be news to you:
Two young American soldiers -- yes, those who would fight the vicious hordes in Iraq and around the world -- were arrested for having sex.
In public.
At the Alamo.
The two, a 19-year-old man and an 18-year-old woman, were naked from the waist down and doing ... you know ... when seen by passing tourists.
Now we're not lawyers or law enforcement or politicians, but we think members of the American military should be given some sort of dispensation to have sex wherever they want. After all, they face an endless war against a fiendish foe.
And wasnt it the late, great Bob Wills who wrote about this very subject in "San Antonio Rose"?
Well it was there I found, beside the Alamo,
Enchantments strange as the blue up above.
And that was back in 1941.
And those lyrics may not sound like sex, but believe us, they are. After all, we grew up in Bob Wills country. We know Western symbolism when we hear it.

Proof that the Internet can provide a great business opportunity for almost anyone who's female, reasonably attractive and willing to appear nude:
In Lincoln, Neb., home of the once-dreaded Cornhuskers football team, Melissa Harrington has turned a charge of public nudity into a profitable Web site.
And she's thrilled.
"Any publicity for the site is good publicity," she has been quoted as saying.
Harrington was cited after she stripped down at a local bar and had her picture taken. She then put the shots on her Web site.
Because we're serious journalists out to do serious journalism, we will not link to, nor will we encourage readers to check out, www.melissalincoln.com.
Besides, it's a pay site. And we don't have the password.
Dammit.

You just want to get inside this guy's head and see what's going on. Know what we mean?
The guy in question is accused of smearing fecal matter (you know, dookie) on money he used to pay off a parking ticket.
He must have had an extremely good reason. He's a psychiatrist in Iowa.
Or maybe that's a clue. He's a psychiatrist in Iowa.
When confronted by police, whose hands had been soiled, the man said he had accidentally dropped the money in the toilet.
And even mental health professionals can make mistakes. He probably thought the bills were toilet paper.
He faces jail time and a $500 fine if convicted.
Of what? Oh, some crap or other.

Another day, another nude calendar.
This time it's English villagers raising money to fix their church roof and get an organ.
Those posing in the buff include a vicar and a village policeman.
The idea was churchgoer Stephanie Bubb's. And Ms. Bubb was pleased.
"There isn't a boob or a bum," she is quoted right here as saying.
Ms. Bubb did say her husband was photographed playing his organ. Which could be a thrill for some female consumers.
But we just want to say to the rest of the civilized world: Let's take a break from the cutesie nude calendar thing. We the people have had just about enough of calendars with antiquated human beings hiding their private bits behind other dull objects.
In a word: It's just getting old.
(Oops. That's four words. Sorry.)

The German president for some reason said recently that what the world needs now is love letters, sweet love letters.
President Horst Koehler, in an apparently spontaneous outpouring of emotion, was quoted by someone else, and now by us, as saying, "It is a sad comment on our times when we hear that young people spend hours every day text-messaging each other on their mobiles instead of talking face-to-face.
"It would be better to sit down and write a letter to a friend or a loved one."
We're pretty sure this is not text-messaging, so here we go:
"Dear Horst:
"Where have you been keeping yourself? We've really missed you. We've missed your mischievous laugh, your sparkling eyes, your wicked wit.
"And when we get together again, maybe you can explain your whole attitude toward the war in Iraq. We care for you profoundly, but we're not sure we can maintain this relationship if you continue to behave in this antisocial way.
Yours truly,

Would We Lie"

We just have to laugh.
We read over and over again how some guy has been arrested after "chatting" with a "young girl" and arranging a sexual liaison, and then finding out that all the time he was talking with a cop.
Are they that desperate to carry out their perverted fantasies that they'll chance a meeting with police?
Nuts!
Anyway, it happened again, this time in the Oklahoma City area.
Douglas Wade Burns, a middle school teacher and coach, faces a Class B felony charge of computer child pornography in Arkansas, where the "girl" lived.
The "girl" was actually an adult confidential informant.
We acknowledge it's not really a laughing matter.
But we will say it's good that so many of these guys are stupid.
And keep in mind that, unfortunately, not all of them are.

We've never seen a Romanian man's penis, but we would have thought it looked about like any other man's. And let's not dicker about details.
Apparently, however, Romanians' members look like chickens.
We assume that's what got a 67-year-old Romanian man confused.
Constantin Mocanu was quoted as saying he ran outside in his underwear to kill a chicken that was bugging him. He somehow got his penis confused with the chicken's neck and cut it off.
His penis. Cut it right off. And his dog ate it.
Mocanu is reportedly out of danger.
When asked, the dog said his master's member tasted like ...
You got it. Chicken.

Across the river and through the hoods, a New Jersey man has his town's bowels in an uproar.
William Rhode III has twice now appeared in public wearing pink leggings into which he has defecated.
The second time, at Kinnelon Municipal Court, Rhode was wearing a diaper under the tights. But the brown discharge could be seen through the sheer leggings.
Rhode, a 53-year-old widower, also had failed to register as a sex offender in an earlier case.
So the guy has been in deep doodoo from the start.

You just can't be too careful these days.
That was the rationale at an Australian airport after buzzing in a trashcan caused officials to evacuate.
We mean the airport. They evacuated the airport.
Turns out the buzzing was an adult sex toy in the "on" position.
According to some source or other, cafeteria manager Lynne Bryant said the sudden sound of humming was "rather disconcerting."
She also said later that the buzz sounded exactly like a vibrator, but you can't be too careful these days.
She didn't explain how she could identify the sound of one vibrator buzzing.
And we wonder about the owner of the device. Was it vibratus interruptus? Or did she suddenly develop a fear of preflight security checks?
Anyway, Mackey Airport reopened and someone did something with the vibrator.
We can guess what.

If this item seems familiar, it may be because we've written about it before.
Or maybe it's just deja vu.
Either way, here's the deal:
A Japanese company, Kameo Corp., has found success with its "Boyfriend's Arm Pillow."
Yes, it's a pillow with an arm and gloved hand for the single woman who doesn't, for whatever reason, have a real guy to cuddle with.
The company is also working on a female-lap pillow for men.
We're pretty sure it was the great Criswell who predicted that eventually men and women would never actually touch each other but instead use "devices" for all of their intimacy needs.
And we know you know what we're talking about when we talk about "devices."
Nuff said.

As we reported earlier, a judge has ruled that drunks and addicts can serve on juries.
Court reporters, however, are another story.
One such reporter, Myrna Gay Parrish, 50, of Muskogee, Okla., was arrested recently after someone sharing an elevator with her reported that she smelled of alcohol.
Police who checked Parrish's workplace "recovered a glass in which she was sipping a straw that smelled like pretty rank vodka," according to a law enforcement source.
Parrish was supposed to be recording a preliminary hearing on her stenotype machine. But an imaginary source says police found that she had been typing over and over:
"All work and no play makes Myrna a dull girl."

They don't call it the Heartland for nothing.
Friendly, happy people who love themselves as much as they love one another.
An example: In Springfield, Ohio, a deputy sheriff has been accused of masturbating at a salon as he was getting his hair done.
Apparently workers at the salon noticed strange goings-on under the cloak that covered Deputy Eric Shane from neck to knee. Was he adjusting his heavy gunbelt? Getting settled in the stylist's chair?
Nope. Just polishing his weapon.
Allegedly.
Shane is charged with public indecency.

Many horror stories have started this way:
A man, driven mad by greed or hatred or love or some other weird thing, robs a grave, and terror ensues.
In St. Barnard Parish in Louisiana, Kenneth Rabalais, 19, just went to jail.
Rabalais apparently thought friends had buried cash and marijuana with his cousin, Merlin S. Campo III, 20, who had died in a car crash.
So Rabalais, whose name sounds strangely familiar -- and strangely appropriate -- decided to check it out.
But a tattletale had already tipped police, and when they picked Rabalais up, he'd removed only the front of the crypt, not the coffin itself.
He also could not correctly answer the question: "What's the frequency, Kenneth?"
Rabalais was charged with desecrating a grave and disturbing the peace.
Apparently some of the cemetery's longtime residents complained about the noise.