"Would We Lie's" only wish for 2005 and beyond:
To write with such elegance, such passion, that 28 women would strip naked and sit in front of our home to pay homage to us.
Such a display occurred in Chile recently. The women took off all their clothes and were photographed sitting in front of a home where poet Pablo Neruda once lived.
We would direct you to the photo, but we're not supposed to do that sort of thing, and we're sure you can find it on your own.
On a more maudlin note, we say goodbye to 2004 with the first few lines of a poem by Neruda, the one called "Your Laughter":

Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.

On second thought, take the bread. We're on a low-carb diet anyway.
But leave the air and the laughter.
We don't know what we'd do without either.

OK, you guys who like to wear women's clothing. Do you prefer to be called a cross-dresser or a transvestite? Please put your response in the comment box below.
We ask because of the first international cross-dressing -- or transvestite -- beauty pageant, which was held in Bangkok, Thailand.
As reported in the Manila Times, Thai college student Treechada Petcharat, 19, beat off 23 other competitors and won the title of Miss International Queen.
Other beauty pageants held in Thailand are the Jumbo Queen contest (no explanation needed, eh?), the Miss Spinster contest (for single women 28 and older) and the Miss Air Hostess competition coming next month.
Coincidentally, Thailand was until 1939 called Siam. which was the setting for "The King and I," which according to Thai folks was a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. And here's the thing: "Travesty" sounds like "transvestite," if you say the latter really fast and kind of slur it as though you'd been drinking.
So you see, it's all connected.

Let us go then you and I
while the night is laid out against the sky
like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.

"Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
-- Ezra

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
-- G. B. Shaw

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

Playboy readers, take note:
A chemistry professor at the University of North Carolina rented his house to the magazine's photographers for their feature, "Girls of the ACC." Shots of nude UNC students were then taken there.
The university has backed Malcolm Forbes' freedom to behave like a human being when off-campus.
But at least three people have complained. The women, two doctoral students and a Ph.D., say they're appalled and made to feel cheap and blah blah blah.
They want to be admired for their brains ... you know, being doctoral types and all.
And we do admire their intelligence and ambition and hard work. We know how hard it was for us to get our GED.
But we wonder: Do those brainiac gals ever study in the nude?

Proof that the Internet can provide a great business opportunity for almost anyone who's female, reasonably attractive and willing to appear nude:
In Lincoln, Neb., home of the once-dreaded Cornhuskers football team, Melissa Harrington has turned a charge of public nudity into a profitable Web site.
And she's thrilled.
"Any publicity for the site is good publicity," she has been quoted as saying.
Harrington was cited after she stripped down at a local bar and had her picture taken. She then put the shots on her Web site.
Because we're serious journalists out to do serious journalism, we will not link to, nor will we encourage readers to check out, www.melissalincoln.com.
Besides, it's a pay site. And we don't have the password.
Dammit.

In Arlington County, what was once a tree
Is now a mermaid for all to see.
Her arms outstretched, her head held high,
a dove released and set to fly.
Some neighbors love it, but at least one detests
the mermaid's quite enormous breasts.
Her nipples, in proportion, the size of a quarter,
or so says a Washington reporter.
Her wooden hair flows like the sea
her wooden tail flipped up and free.
Now let's behave, and please dont trash
this mermaid with her nice white ash.

Now you tell us what's wrong with a professional filmmaker trying to find rising young stars at a job fair.
Right! Nada!
But such a guy has been banned from a such a job fair in Hong Kong.
The fact that he makes porn movies had something to do with his ejection, but we're not sure what.
The pornophile, Tommy Wong, was quoted as saying, "I don't understand why the organizers are so sensitive. ... I even mentioned that the actors have to be nude."
But organizer Winnie Chan Wai-yan was quoted as saying, "We do not recommend that they [young job seekers] start their careers in such industries."
Come on, Winnie. Look at Paris Hilton. And Pam Anderson. And that McCarthy woman. Even Sly Stallone.
They started on the bottom, and look where they are today.

We've written about snot for sale before, and some of you dissed us.
We have another story about someone selling snot -- for real -- and we suspect that those same naysayers will naysay yet again.
Be that as it may... a British "artist" who collected the stuff from his nose for two years and then put what he called the "Bogey Ball" on exhibit is now willing to sell the mass... for $20,000.
The artist, James Robert Ford, calls the bolus "a physical record of all the
different places I have been and people I've met."
Asked about parting with his work of art, Ford is quoted as saying, "It will be hard to let go, but at the same time it's hard not to have any money."
We console him with the fact that he can start on another "Bogey Ball" any time he wants.
As long as he stays wayyyyy over there in England.

Two teenagers at a Cinemark movie complex in Merriam, Kan., a Kansas City Mo., suburb, were caught having sex after watching "Dodgeball."
An employee noticed the two in a dark hallway, their clothes disheveled, "having sexual relations," a police spokesman said.
The employee told them to get dressed and then called police. The teens, a 17-year-old boy and a 15-year-old girl, got dressed but ran away.
They were found hiding in a nearby car dealership, and they've been charged with lewd and lascivious behavior (which we didn't know was illegal).
They were also banned from the theater.
Maybe the young folks should have just given the flick a thumbs up.

Vanessa Marie, a singer and model in Southern California, has recovered from an attack by a German shepherd who apparently licked her silly.
A press release from Marie's record company, Skylark, said the performer was "viscously" abused by the dog.
One of our colleagues, Laurie Conrad, asked us to send Marie a sympathy note wishing her a speedy recovery and a case of Bounty paper towels.
However, not only has Marie already recovered, but because of copyright rules and such, we can't say "Bounty paper towels" in public.
So we'll say good night, God bless, and please, Vanessa, stop putting Purina Dog Chow in your pants. Pockets.

Sorry, women, but you're ineligible for this round of questioning.
So, men, what do you use your semen for? Yeah, but what else?
If your answer is, "Duhhhhhh," we have a suggestion: Use it in a political protest.
That's what a so-called artist has claimed to have done. He says he used his own bodily fluids, mixed in some "acrylic gel medium," to paint portraits of Bill Clinton and George W. Bush.
Which, given the Lewinsky affair and the Patriot Act, seems appropriate to us.
The four paintings appeared mysteriously at four museums.
And guess what? One of the museums is in Philadelphia. On Ben Franklin Parkway. Yep, right there in the prestigious, cinematically historic museum that made Rocky run out of breath.
By the way, did you read our Parkway series? If not, just look around on the philly.com site. You'll find it. And you'll love it. Or else.
So anyway. Apparently, typewritten notes were left nearby, containing harsh words about our way of life. Or something.
Now the Secret Service, the FBI and other law enforcement agencies are on the painter's trail.
Maybe, if you're going to get political with paint, you might use seamen rather than that other stuff.
Either Bill or George would look great in one of those pointy naval hats.

Did you hear that that $3.5 million cello has been recovered?
The 320-year-old Stradivarius, which was stolen from the Los Angeles Philharmonic's principal cellist, was found beside a trash can. The nurse who found it wanted her boyfriend to turn it into a fancy CD case.
Then she read about its value, its history, its uniqueness, and decided she'd rather make it a bird feeder.
We kid.
It's back with the cellist, Peter Stumpf, who we guess was on the hook for the $3 million. Stumpf, who played in the Philadelphia Orchestra at one time, said, "It’s been an enormous weight on me for the last three weeks."
Which is surprising, since the cello was in the trash all that time.

How about some chat about nipples?

We heard some people perk up out there when they read that.

So, if you've been keeping up with nipples you know that:

1) In Colombia, which is known for its coffee and cocaine, couples are lining up to rub the nipples of a statue of a woman. They do so in the belief that such action will improve their relationships.

The artist, Fernando Botero, is pleased.

"It's amazing to hear that the breasts have had to be repaired many times because they're being worn out by too much touching."

We've heard real women complain of that particular abuse.

And 2) Philly's sweet Pink, who was born Alicia Moore, reportedly says that before each concert she has her nipples squeezed real good.

She has been quoted as saying the pinching gets her "pumped up" before she goes on stage.

And who's the lucky pincher? Her assistant.

Our suggestion: Pink should invite guest pinchers backstage to handle her nipple needs. And, only because we want to see things done right, we volunteer to be the first.

Oh, how we sacrifice for accuracy.

We know you pornophiles are already aware of the AIDS scare that is sweeping the porn industry.

Four performers, including a transsexual named Jennifer, have tested positive for HIV.

The thing that stands out to us, pardon the pun, is that the Associated Press refers to porn performers as "actors" and "actresses."

Sorry, Ron Jeremy and all you others who "act" with your genitals, but come on. Is what you do really acting? You have what they call "fluffers" to keep you "prepared." And OK, most of us can't maintain the "vigor" you pros manage. But how can you call yourselves actors and actresses after viewing the work of such thespic giants as, say, Tom Green or Ben Affleck?

Uh, never mind.