A Florida worker has received a workers' comp settlement after complaining that her job caused her to develop carpal tunnel syndrome.
Her job? Phone sex operator.
Our sources say the woman told officials that she developed the condition after masturbating several times a day as part of her job.
Her lawyer, who asked someone that he and his client not be identified (other than by the two wrist braces the woman will have to wear for a while), said the woman had to hold the phone with one hand and take notes and masturbate with the other.
The lawyer said the Fort Lauderdale woman was told "to do whatever it takes to keep the person on the phone as long as possible.”
Which makes "Would We Lie?" wonder: Wouldn't pleasant conversation have sufficed?
And with this entry, we'll say ta-ta for now.
"Would We Lie?" has decided to beat it.
Are you getting tired of Christmas?
Not the one with the baby Jesus and the three wiseguys bearing strange gifts to a virgin who couldn't adequately explain her pregnancy to her sexually frustrated husband.
No, we're talking about the modern Christmas, when we MUST spend about a year's salary on gifts, many of which will end up in the back of the closet or the bottom of the wastebasket when they get home.
It's all presents now. And we got one guy to blame: Santa Claus.
In Germany, some folks have created "Santa-free" zones, believing that Christmas has lost its way. They blame the Claus for the greed that has overtaken the holiday.
They've thrown their support behind St. Nicholas, who really started the whole thing, with his sacrifice and good-deed-doing.
Immigrants brought that nice guy over, and then Washington Irving and whoever wrote that "Night Before Christmas" ditty turned him into a Macy's shill.
But enough heretical history.
Suffice it to say that those Germanic folk want to take back the true meaning of Christmas. The one with the baby and the sheep and the star and the mom and dad (who would never really get over the fact that he had nothing to do with the birth of his wife's first child).
If you agree with their crusade, we dare you not to buy gifts this Christmas season. Tell your loved ones you've learned the true meaning of Christmas, and it doesn't involve PlayStations and minibikes and fruitcakes.
By next Christmas, you might be healed enough to use the gift of crutches that Cousin Eddie will surprise you with at your physical therapy class.
Now that's the Christmas spirit.
And as the Dickens fellow quoted that other Tiny Tim as saying, "God bless us, every one!"
Tennessee folks must not have libidos.
We say that because of the reaction by some when a sex-toy booth was opened at a Friends of Spring Hill Library flea market. It was held at a local church.
Passions & Pleasures President Katherine Williams, who womanned the booth, said she did nothing wrong.
"'The most questionable item we sold was a vibrating bath sponge that looks like a rubber ducky," Williams said. "It's the cutest thing."
And it no doubt does the trick in the tub.
The city administrator was aroused -- but in the wrong way.
Ken York said the booth will be cited for violating the city's sexually oriented business ordinance.
The mayor, Ray Williams, summed it up quite succinctly, we think, when he said, "'They're certainly no friends of the library."
Another day, another nude calendar.
This time it's English villagers raising money to fix their church roof and get an organ.
Those posing in the buff include a vicar and a village policeman.
The idea was churchgoer Stephanie Bubb's. And Ms. Bubb was pleased.
"There isn't a boob or a bum," she is quoted right here as saying.
Ms. Bubb did say her husband was photographed playing his organ. Which could be a thrill for some female consumers.
But we just want to say to the rest of the civilized world: Let's take a break from the cutesie nude calendar thing. We the people have had just about enough of calendars with antiquated human beings hiding their private bits behind other dull objects.
In a word: It's just getting old.
(Oops. That's four words. Sorry.)
If this item seems familiar, it may be because we've written about it before.
Or maybe it's just deja vu.
Either way, here's the deal:
A Japanese company, Kameo Corp., has found success with its "Boyfriend's Arm Pillow."
Yes, it's a pillow with an arm and gloved hand for the single woman who doesn't, for whatever reason, have a real guy to cuddle with.
The company is also working on a female-lap pillow for men.
We're pretty sure it was the great Criswell who predicted that eventually men and women would never actually touch each other but instead use "devices" for all of their intimacy needs.
And we know you know what we're talking about when we talk about "devices."
Those tricky Brits.
Britain's Food and Drink Federation has issued a manifesto to address portion size as a way of helping us fatties cut our food intake.
So, in an effort to appear to be concerned, the Masterfoods company says it is reducing the size of its king-size Mars and Snickers.
Mark Reid of Masterfoods says the company is making the bars "shareable" by packaging two smaller bars instead of one biggie.
Duh. Sure. We'll fall for that one, won't we, fellow fatties? We'll share.
With ourselves, you silly gits.
If you saw a sign that said "C.R. Smokin' Chicks," what would you expect to find inside?
That's right. Naked dancing girls who swing on poles and later nag you to buy them expensive "champagne" that's actually fizzy water.
But you'd be wrong. At least in Hamburg Township, Mich., where "C.R. Smokin' Chicks" will be the name of a carryout restaurant serving -- you guessed it -- chicken.
Like you, however, many people have been misled. According to owner Gary Baja, two women have applied to be dancers, and two groups of nattily clad gentlemen have stopped by to see strippers.
But just think of all the guys who had to be disappointed after ordering a K.C. strip.
A scientific study states that the workaday world has many more psychopaths than originally thought.
Originally, it was thought that the workaday world had two psychopaths. But the new study has found many millions more.
It suggests you look around your office and you can tell the psychos from the "normal" workers.
We took the study's advice, looked around the Daily News newsroom ... and we have nothing more to say.
Ho hum. Another day, another nude calendar.
Some regular folks in Maine have posed in their birthday suits for their 2005 calendar, "Altogether for the Garden Too."
The calendar is brought to you by the nonprofit McLaughlin Foundation Garden and Horticultural Center. It features men and women ranging in age from 36 to 77.
We haven't seen the new calendar. Nor did we see the old one. Nor have we seen "Calendar Girls," a movie about some Englishwomen who posed naked for some cause or other.
And we agree with those who think all bodies are beautiful. And we're sure the Maine folks are tastefully posed. You know, their naughty bits hidden behind rhododendrons and elephant ears and such.
But come on. This kind of stuff is just ... unnatural. We need to get those real folks back into clothes and get those nudie calendars, with young, naked, air-brushed women only, back into the garages and college dorms where they belong.
All in favor, say, "Aye yi yi!"
Do you know what "MILF" means?
We thought not.
But lots of folks in Washington state apparently do. They've complained to the state about the guy whose vanity license plate says "GOTMILF."
So Michael Syravong had to switch to a plate that says "PUNISHR."
Syravong is obviously a sex addict. First he talks about mothers he'd like to, uh, get acquainted with (thus the "MILF," get it?), and then he brags about his S&M proclivities.
For those who are still in the dark regarding "MILF," let us explain:
It's a four-letter abbreviation for "Mothers I'd Like to ..." The "F" is a four-letter word in its own right.
A municipal judge in Missouri screamed when he saw a mouse.
In his bottle of beer.
Randy Anglen says that not long ago he came home from work and opened a bottle of beer. (Let's call it Muller Diet Beer. We newspaperfolk are discouraged from publishing the names of real companies when we can make them up ourselves.)
Anglen says he drank the beer and poured the dregs into a nearby sink.
That's when he heard the "plunk." (That's an onomatopoeia, by the way, the sound of one mouse hitting the bottle -- literally.)
Anglen looked, saw the corpse, and got hysterical.
"The first thing I did was scream in horror," he was quoted as telling another news organization, from whom we borrow. "Then I screamed in revulsion. Then I dropped to the ground, holding my head in my hands while I was still screaming.
"My wife ran in, holding our 1-year-old, and she started screaming and the baby was screaming ... ."
And we understand his angst: We'd scream too if someone had drunk our beer without permission.
Even a mouse.
The Daily News has opted to publish the names of men arrested for soliciting prostitutes.
This will, many say, discourage men from becoming johns.
A prostitute in Switzerland used a different method.
A 74-year-old man had offered her money for sex, and she followed him to a rest room.
As the man went for his money, the prostitute hit him in the face and kicked him.
The right hook from the hooker sent the old man's false teeth flying into the toilet bowl. The teeth could not be recovered.
The prostitute ran away but was caught, according to someone who knows.
So the john went to the john, and now his teeth are gone.
Which way would you prefer to be humiliated?
So the other day I got this e-mail from a guy in Kuwait, somewhere like that. I don't know how he found me, but he said he had, like, five hundred thousand dollars but the government wouldn't let him take it out of the country himself. And he wants to move to this country, but he can't get to his money. But if he had a thousand dollars to bribe a bank official, he could.
So he's offering me half of the full package, which is, what, two hundred thousand dollars? You know I jumped on that quick. He said he would put the account in my name or something and I would send him a thousand dollars to pay off some bank dude. Then I would cash out and we would split the money when he got here.
So now he's got my thousand, and pretty soon I'll be sitting pretty, on top of a mountain of green.
But I was wondering:
Do you think I screwed him too bad?
If you saw Smarty Jones' recent editorial in the Daily News, you know that Smarty hates flies.
Well, it turns out that someone else may hate flies even more than Smarty.
A Chinese businessman, Hu Xilin, has been on a fly-squashing rampage for 10 years. It began with a fly squatting in his soup, which ruined Hu's business party. Actually, the official Chinese news agency didn't specify soup, but hey, give us a little room for poetic license, OK?
So Hu's been at war with the pesky insects ever since. Now he's recruiting a "swat" team (not our pun, thank you very much) of fly killers.
If Hu can rid the world of flies, we're sure Smarty will be quite pleased.
The ecological ramifications, however, could be severe. It could mean ... the end of the world.
Vermont -- yes, the whole, itty-bitty state -- has been declared an endangered place.
The reason? The evil empire Wal-Mart is planning to put a superstore at each of the six intersections in the state.
Among the other endangered sites is the Bethlehem, Pa., Works steel plant, as well as the final resting place of legendary racehorse Seabiscuit.
“Vermont is uniquely a state of small towns, and many of these
downtowns would be decimated by this,” said Richard Moe, president of the National Trust for Historic Preservation, which issued the list.
Perhaps ironically, Vermont made the endangered list in 1993 because the state had NO Wal-Marts.
Vermontians must be saying about now, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't."
And ain't that the truth.
You may call it candy. But a Japanese company insists it's "snot."
The sweet is actually sold as "Snot from the nose of the Great Buddha," which has some Japanese priests trying to stop the "snot" flow. They've managed to keep "snot" from being registered as a trademark, but the company says sales are running smoothly.
The package, by the way, carries a picture of the Buddha picking his nose.
Thus we think, for alliteration's sake, that the company should have called the stuff "Boogers from Buddha," or simply, "Buddha Boogers."
But we're not Japanese.
Women members of Parliament in Russia have been asked to dress more conservatively so as not to distract their male colleagues. The women have been asked to wear only "dark suits with high collars, skirts down to their heels and no colourful tops."
We at "Would We Lie?" think such thinking is appalling. Women in the workplace should be able to dress just as the men dress.
If men can wear shirts open to mid-torso with chains and other stuff around their necks, women should be able to do the same. If men can wear miniskirts and see-through blouses that reveal practically everything, again, women should be able to do the same.
It's called fairness, stupid.
If you use the MSN, the Microsoft browser, or home page, or Web site, or whatever those damn things are called, please don't be misled.
Right on the front page today was a note under "Shopping" suggesting that Eddie Bauer had women on sale.
Alas, it was not to be. When we clicked, we found only clothing.
We think Eddie should apologize to those who thought they were going to see a sampling of good women and found a bunch of slacks instead.
Shame on him.
According to a German car magazine, BMW drivers have more sex than owners of any other cars.
At least that's what they say.
The magazine surveyed more than 2,000 motorists and found that BMW drivers say they have sex an average 2.2 times a week. That was the most.
But let's look at it this way: If you've purchased a BMW as a symbol of your "virility," as so many rich folk do, surely you're going to lie when asked about the number of times you have sex in a week.
We're surprised it wasn't more like 25.3 times a week.
Dr. Atkins has returned from the dead, so to speak, to sack Krispy Kreme.
The doughnut maker has lowered its profit projections because sales are down, and the company has placed part of the blame on the low-carb diet trend.
Fortunately for the rest of us, Krispy Kremes are allowed on every other diet that we know of.
So next time you're shopping, grab a dozen or two of your favorite bakery delight and a case of your favorite beverage. Cold beer and doughnuts? Yum.
We know you pornophiles are already aware of the AIDS scare that is sweeping the porn industry.
Four performers, including a transsexual named Jennifer, have tested positive for HIV.
The thing that stands out to us, pardon the pun, is that the Associated Press refers to porn performers as "actors" and "actresses."
Sorry, Ron Jeremy and all you others who "act" with your genitals, but come on. Is what you do really acting? You have what they call "fluffers" to keep you "prepared." And OK, most of us can't maintain the "vigor" you pros manage. But how can you call yourselves actors and actresses after viewing the work of such thespic giants as, say, Tom Green or Ben Affleck?
Uh, never mind.