A heinous crime is being committed in Illinois, (no, not the Chicago Bears) and Bloomington library officials are in a stew.
Some deviant cook is stealing recipes. That's right. Cutting them out of cookbooks that belong to the Bloomington library system. A library official said that she counted missing pages and found they amount to about 100 volumes. Which seems like a lot, but we don't know the size of "volume."
The pervert seems to be the meat-and-potatoes type. He or she or they have skipped the Asian, Indian, Mexican and French recipes.
"Librarians understand that some materials are going to be lost or damaged," Jane Chamberlain, the library's manager of adult services, was quoted as saying, "but we expect that to be things like pages torn from (the) Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition."
Let's just hope this Chef Demento, rather than stealing the words, ends up eating them.

Television newswoman Sharon Reed shed her clothes for a nude photo shoot, but we suspect photographer Spencer Tunick didn't steal her clothes and make a run for it.
In Berlin, an 81-year-old German dude wasn't quite as fortunate.
According to sources beyond our control, two young women persuaded the oldster to join them in a nude photo shoot.
Police in the city of Wiesbaden have been quoted as saying that after the old dude had undressed "in eager anticipation," the two women skeedaddled -- with the guy's pants and wallet.
So we guess the lesson here is that old dogs can learn new tricks -- especially if they have to lose their pants to do it.

What a terrible way to finally learn what a "Dimebag" really is.
And now it's too late to do anything about it.
Guitarist "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott and three others were killed the other day by some nut with a gun.
We're not familiar with his bands' music, but we're going to track some down and listen to it.
We think "Dimebag" deserves at least that.

We hope the resolution of a case in Texas proves to doubters that members of "Would We Lie?" did not go to that state and pretend to be gynecologists.
We would never do such a thing.
Never ever ever.
At any rate, Thomas P. Remo has been sentenced to four years in prison after pleading guilty to practicing medicine without a license.
He apparently set up a makeshift medical office in the kitchen of the self-storage place where he worked. After an undercover officer exposed the pretend doctor, several women came forward and said Remo "treated" them.
Did any of them think it strange that a doctor would offer free medical care from a kitchen at a self-storage garage? We don't know.
But we do know that once he is in prison, this "doctor" stands to gain a new area of expertise: proctology.

To prove that we're thorough, fair and sometimes balanced, we offer you a follow-up story to the Pennsylvania woman who used a $200 bill to pay for items at a Fashion Bug store.
The charges have been dropped. The defendant, Deborah Trautwine, apparently convinced prosecutors that she truly thought the bill was valid currency.
The clerk in Greensburg, Pa., had the same thought. She gave Trautwine about $100 in change.
We suppose now we'll have to drive to Greensburg to use our own $750 bills.
They're real.
Honest!

Latest entry in the life-is-funny (NOT!) archives:
A 9-year-old Florida boy has been charged with a felony sex crime after boyhandling a female classmate as they sat on the school bus.
The boy, 9 (yes, 9), apparently held the girl's arms behind her back, lifted her skirt and touched her.
Where? We don't know. Our sources won't tell us.
He also apparently pulled up her shirt and made remarks about the fact that she wasn't wearing a bra. Do girls that age wear bras? Just curious.
Officials don't expect the boy to go to prison. They say he probably will face a worse fate: He will have to continue to live in Florida.

Exposed: the lustful, savagely passionate underbelly of that bastion of suburban civility, Connecticut.
You've read about the 29-year-old mother who apparently had an affair with an 8-year-old boy, a friend of her daughter's.
Now the woman, Tammy Imry, says the boy was the aggressive one, forcing her to dump another boyfriend and to stop taking birth control pills.
What a great movie premise: Older woman falls in love with preteen, they have sex, etc.
Oh, wait. There's already a movie. It's called "Birth."
Never mind.
Also in the Nutmeg State: Frederick Dapp, 33, has been accused of taking secret videos of himself having sex with several women. One at a time, we suspect. But who knows.
Dapp made the mistake of showing off his collection to another date, who didn't want to appear in his videos, we guess. He's charged with disseminating voyeuristic material, which we thought wasn't a crime.
Further: Clifton Brown, 33, faces various sex charges after a woman arrived home and found Brown on top of her 15-year-old daughter. The mother was dressed. The two others were not.
But the state is full of hidden history. For instance, the Rev. Somebody Hooker founded Hartford soon after his name became synonymous with the prostitutes in his new town.
And hookers were born.
(OK, it was another Hooker. But they had to be kin, right?)

Another tragic cell phone photo debacle, and this one just down the highway:
A bus driver in New Castle County, Delaware, has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child. She's 21. The students are 15 and 17.

The driver, during a conversation with the students, asked whether they would like to see a picture of her boyfriend. She then, allegedly, handed them her cell phone, on the screen of which was a photo of said boyfriend -- in the buff.
The students, three weeks later, ratted her out. Big tattletales.
The bus driver lives in Bear. Her boyfriend, obviously, lives in Bare.

We just have to laugh.
We read over and over again how some guy has been arrested after "chatting" with a "young girl" and arranging a sexual liaison, and then finding out that all the time he was talking with a cop.
Are they that desperate to carry out their perverted fantasies that they'll chance a meeting with police?
Nuts!
Anyway, it happened again, this time in the Oklahoma City area.
Douglas Wade Burns, a middle school teacher and coach, faces a Class B felony charge of computer child pornography in Arkansas, where the "girl" lived.
The "girl" was actually an adult confidential informant.
We acknowledge it's not really a laughing matter.
But we will say it's good that so many of these guys are stupid.
And keep in mind that, unfortunately, not all of them are.

Many horror stories have started this way:
A man, driven mad by greed or hatred or love or some other weird thing, robs a grave, and terror ensues.
In St. Barnard Parish in Louisiana, Kenneth Rabalais, 19, just went to jail.
Rabalais apparently thought friends had buried cash and marijuana with his cousin, Merlin S. Campo III, 20, who had died in a car crash.
So Rabalais, whose name sounds strangely familiar -- and strangely appropriate -- decided to check it out.
But a tattletale had already tipped police, and when they picked Rabalais up, he'd removed only the front of the crypt, not the coffin itself.
He also could not correctly answer the question: "What's the frequency, Kenneth?"
Rabalais was charged with desecrating a grave and disturbing the peace.
Apparently some of the cemetery's longtime residents complained about the noise.

Most of you will agree, we think, that beer is about the best food group going.
And in Germany during Oktoberfest, the beer is flowing like ... well, like beer during Oktoberfest.
One drawback, however: Beer can leave the drinker vulnerable to scalawags.
We remember a time in Haiti ... but that's another story.
The beer drinkers in Munich are facing just such scoundrels.
They're called the "boob gang" because of their modus operandi: A bountiful woman flashes her breasts in the face of a drunken dude, who, being a drunken dude, is hypnotized by the bounty.
In the meantime, another woman and a male accomplice pick the drinker's pockets.
Police have warned visitors about this particular ploy. But men being the boobs they are, we expect thousands of them to be robbed at breast point before the fest ends this weekend.

Good news for cheapskates:
A fellow who was arrested for leaving a small tip at a New York restaurant has been vindicated.
The restaurant had indicated on its menu that an 18 percent gratuity was required for parties of six or more.
But Humberto Taveras left 10 percent because he didn't like the food.
The restaurant owner called in police, who arrested Taveras.
Now a judge has ruled that tips and gratuities are "discretionary," no matter what a menu may say.
Taveras saved a few bucks at the eatery, but he spent hundreds of dollars in legal fees.
And we think it's only the beginning for Mr. Skinflint. He'd better be very, very careful when he goes outside.
The name of the restaurant is Soprano's.

If you're reading this in Germany, please be on the lookout for a rotund twosome who have been filching heat from a woman's private dryer.
The crimes have taken place in Aachen, which, if you must know, is in Germany.
The victim first noticed something strange when she got an outrageously large electric bill.
Then one night she heard noises, investigated and found the dryer going but no one around. Inside the dryer she found an outrageously large bra and an outrageously large pair of men's undies.
Now the hunt is on for an outrageously large couple. But be wary: If apprehended, they might try to eat you.

Two Louisiana men recently were accused of having sex with animals.
Timothy Garner, 35, purportedly has admitted having sex with chickens in the chicken house of a neighbor.
And Austin Gullette, 45, has been accused of having sex with a Vietnamese potbellied pig. He reportedly was turned in by his sister, who owns the pig and who apparently caught her brother in the act.
The molesting of chickens we'll never understand. But those potbellied pigs ... they're really cute.

The money was as phony as a $3 bill, but it was worth $200.
And a clerk bought it.
Out to our left, in the Greensburg area of our great state, a woman is accused of passing a bogus bill at something called the Fashion Bug.
Deborah Trautwine, 51, of Jeannette, was charged with theft by deception.
No offense to the clerk, but the charge should be more like theft by store clerk's ... uh, naivete?
(The clerk was identified, but we withheld her name, just 'cause we're nice.)
And this money wasn't even funny. It had Dubya's picture on it. It was "signed" by "Political Mentor" Ronald Reagan and George the Elder, ID'd as "Campaign
Advisor and Mentor."
It does have a White House, but this one has signs on the lawn, saying such things as "We Like Broccoli" and "USA Deserves A Tax Cut."
On the other hand, that does sound a lot like President Bush's place, doesn't it?
We don't know the punishment Trautwine faces if convicted. Probably a $200 fine.
Which, we're pretty sure, she could pay off with no problem.

As you know, we here at the Daily News have been publishing names of would-be johns who allegedly solicit undercover officers posing as prostitutes.
More precisely, the Urban Warrior is exposing them before they expose themselves.
And if you're in favor of that, you'll love what Omaha, Neb., has done.
Several neighborhood associations there have joined to put up on giant billboards the names of men convicted of soliciting prostitution.
The slight difference is that the Omahanians wait until the people have been convicted before publishing their names.
The point remains, however, that prostitution can be curbed if we eliminate the demand.
It's all a matter of supply and demand. Without johns, hookers will go back to being schoolteachers and such. And the would-be johns will go back to having sex with their wives. Or dolls. Or sheep. Or whatever.

The gang of hooligans boarded the bus, obviously bent on mischief.
Bloodthirsty thugs in ragged clothes, drool dripping from their tongues.
Marleny Villa watched from her seat on the bus as the evildoers began harassing other passengers.
Then the threats became more serious. The desperadoes were robbing the bus!
So Villa ate her money.
She rolled up each bill and stuffed it into her mouth.
Gulp. Gulp. Etc.
Down goes the equivalent of about $300.
After the gang departed, Villa was taken to a nearby hospital to have her stomach pumped.
A wacky police spokesman said, "She is one brave, crazy person, but ... she will still have the money."
Kudos to Marleny Villa for foiling the filthy felons.
[Note to readers: The above story is based on actual events that actually occurred in Peru. Only the descriptions of the robbers and robbery were embellished for dramatic purposes. The author was not in Peru and did NOT witness the actual holdup. In fact, the author has never BEEN to Peru and, chances are, will never GO to Peru. He's been robbed enough already.]

OK, time for a quiz. First question:
What's so special about New Hampshire?
No, it's not that Franklin Pierce was born there. (Come on. Franklin Pierce??!!)
And no, not that it's bigger than Delaware. (Our cat is bigger than Delaware.)
True, it's very old, but that's not it, either. Delaware is older ... and smaller.
The answer, my friend, is that New Hampshire is the home of Jack the Snipper.
Not only that, but police have actually made an arrest in the Snipper case.
Jack got his name from the fact that he sneaks into women's homes and snips off their nightwear as they sleep.
According to the News Leader, "Police believe an intruder used scissors or another cutting tool to remove the women’s clothing."
They reached that conclusion after finding a pair of scissors and cut-up jammies at one crime scene.
Anyway. Jeffrey W. Gelinas, 28, was arrested a few days ago after a woman told police she noticed some guy trying to get into her bedroom through a window. Gelinas was found soon thereafter "sweating profusely and ... disheveled," according to someone else quoted in the News Leader.
Gelinas earlier pleaded guilty to a series of stalking, prowling and loitering charges.
He is called the "only suspect" in the Snipper case.
In another display of investigative sagacity, Durham, N.H., Deputy Police Chief Rene Kelley said, "This pattern of behavior is, quite frankly, very disturbing."
A source in Vermont, which is bigger than New Hampshire, said that videotape was found and that the late Andy Warhol intends to release it under the title "Sleep 2 -- Not As Soporific as Sleep One!"

In the news biz, we often hear the lament: "Everybody's an editor."
We often hear that because after we've turned in a brilliantly written piece, full of nuance and that kind of crap, busybodies around the room have to stick their honkers into it, with such constructive criticism as: "This is a piece of s--t!" Or, "Is this s--t supposed to be in English?" (Newsfolk use the word "s--t" a lot. It keeps us grounded.)
Despite that, we're not all Thomas Bowdler, from whose name we get the word "bowdlerize," which means "To expurgate (a book, for example) prudishly."
Utah, on the other hand, does. A mystery Bowdler has "purified" several books in a public library, replacing "bad" words with "good" ones, such as "heck," "darn" and "poop." Well, maybe not "poop."
The evildoer even uses boldly colored markers, forcing library workers to discard the books.
Fortunately, Mystery Bowdler is only besmirching books in the "Murder, She Wrote" series.
Which makes us wonder how they found the bowdlerisms in the first place.

Back when Chris Fariello was the Daily News sex columnist (you remember those days, don't you?), he answered a question from a young woman who wanted to know whether having sex with her dog could be considered cheating on her boyfriend.
Mr. Fariello was nonjudgmental and wrote about the problems inherent in human-animal intercourse. One of those problems that he really didn't touch on was that man-woman sex with cat-dog-pelican-whatever is illegal.
Now we don't know what priority the law enforcement folks put on putting pet molesters away. We assume it's less than they put on murderers, rapists (of humans), armed robbers with bullet-absorbing vests and helmets and 7,000 rounds of ammunition for their 17 AK-47s.
But it's probably more than they put on CEOs of gigantic corporations who take money off the top, accept huge salaries and huger bonuses. We think they wait for such cases to be shoved up their ... noses before taking actions.
Which is the long way of saying an Illinois man is being hunted on a charge of having sex with a pit bull-boxer mix.
Daniel J. Joyner, 27, was named after police investigated a complaint from the dog's owner.
Seems the dog lost all its aggressiveness after the sexual interlude. And what's a pit bull good for if not to tear off the faces of suspected intruders and children below the age of 12?
So anyway, Joyner faces felony charges of engaging in sexual conduct with an animal and criminal damage to property. He could face up to nine years in prison and $75,000.
The good news comes from Debra Bree an assistant state attorney in Kane County, which we assume is in Illinois.
Bree pointed out that although reports of animal abuse and cruelty have increased, reports of people having sex with animals has declined.
Of course, it could be that many victims have stopped reporting such cases, believing that police just wouldn't believe them.

We think we've had just about enough nudity in this space for a while.
So we won't tell you about the guy in Tennessee who was picked up by police after he'd broken into a snack bar and taken several snacks.
We won't point out that he was nude and covered in nacho cheese.
He was also about six sheets to the wind, if you get our drift.
Oh, wait. We weren't going to tell you that.
We will tell you that the guy's name is Michael P. Monn and that he was charged with illegally imitating a Nacho Bell Grande, which is a trademark violation.

It takes an honorable, but stupid, thief to return to the scene of his crime just so he can apologize to his victim.
But Peter Shelley did just that in Salt Lake City, police said.
Shelley is accused of punching a convenience store clerk and stealing a pack of cigarettes.
A week later, on Saturday, Shelley reportedly returned to the store and twice apologized to the clerk.
We don’t think he returned the cigarettes.
So the clerk, obviously touched by the apologies, called the police, who picked Shelley up near the store.
He faces felony strong-armed robbery charges.
If convicted, Shelley is expected to lead prison classes in courtesy and regret.

Our own grandmothers can no longer be scammed (they all live "upstairs" now), so we'll issue this alert in the name of grandmas everywhere:
Be aware of con artists calling and saying, "Hello, Grandma, this is your grandson."
These leeches are on the loose in California and could be in your neighborhood soon -- as soon as they read this.
According to a a sheriff's spokesman quoted in the Los Angeles Times, the creeps ask for less than $1,000 because "Western Union does not require identification for sums under" that amount.
The scumbag tells "Grandma" that he's in trouble because of a car accident and then asks for bail money.
Grannies, we urge you to just say no, whoever it is on the phone. Even your real grandson is a worthless punk anyway, who doesn't deserve any of your hard-earned cash. Let 'em rot in jail a little while.
Don't worry, they'll thank you later for your "tough love."

Another alert, this one to men who wander foreign streets and follow strange women into alleys:
But first, a note about epilepsy. We really know nothing about it, so please forgive the graphic description that follows. We mean well. Really.
And so to the alert: An Australian man in China followed two women into a dead-end alley, purportedly to find a "DVD shop." (Yeah, right.) He instead found five guys who taped his mouth, found his ATM card, took him to an ATM and asked for his number. We assume they intended to rob him.
Or maybe it's a game they play over there.
Anyway, the Australian guy faked an epileptic seizure. We assume he fell to the ground and flopped around and foamed at the mouth and let his tongue hang out.
But we don't really know.
Anyway, the robbers were taken aback and tried to help him by pouring water on him and pounding his chest.
Then they took his watch and money and left.
The victim was all wet but all right.
So if you're a street-wandering, woman-following stupe, you should begin practicing those fake seizures NOW. And for God's sake, learn more about it than I know!

If you ate this guy's food, you're probably wishing about now that he'd only spit in it.
Anthony J. Lindhorst, 26, a former cook at a Denny's restaurant in Illinois, has been accused of contaminating food and then watching customers eat it.
Police say Lindhorst tainted food twice by putting his semen in the restaurant's honey-mustard dressing.
Lindhorst apparently aimed his discharges at people "he didn't like," a police spokeswoman said.
Officials did not indicate how the naughty cook dispensed the semen. But we can guess, can't we?
Lindhorst was fired in April after he brought to work brownies laced with marijuana.
We'll take the brownies, please, and hold the sauce.

Remember the Virginia woman who said, "Waiter, there's a mouse in my soup"?
Now Carla Patterson, 36, and her son, Ricky Patterson, 20, have been accused of putting the mouse in the vegetable soup and then trying to extort Cracker Barrel restaurants. They also were charged with conspiracy to commit a felony.
A Cracker Barrel spokesman said, "We learned that the mouse died from a fractured skull before it entered the soup."
Also, the mouse had no soup in its lungs and it hadn't been cooked. (Just like an episode of "CSI," doncha think? How exciting.)
The Pattersons had sought $500,000 from Cracker Barrel.
We expect PETA to file murder charges soon in the case. In PETA court they would face a life sentence of eating only lettuce.

This little piggie went to market, this little piggie stayed home, this little piggie had roast beef, this little piggie had none, and this little piggie dialed 911 and cried, "Wee! Wee! Wee! My owner is being robbed!"
Thus it was that the manager of a check-cashing store in suburban Pittsburgh summoned police after a gunman robbed her.
The robber had bound and gagged the woman in a back room. About an hour later, the woman managed to free one leg, got a telephone with her feet, and dialed 911 with her toe. The Associated Press did not indicate which toe was used, but we assume it was the great one.
Firefighters and paramedics broke in and rescued her.
We hope to see the piggie who robbed her in the pokey before long.

We knew Attorney General John Ashcroft's Rat Patrol approach to law enforcement would inevitably trickle down to local jurisdictions.
Now Portsmouth, N.H. has enlisted.
Portsmouth has a new law making it illegal "for the owner or occupants of a home or hotel room to host a gathering of five or more minors who are drinking or using drugs. Teens as young as 17 who throw a party could be tried as adults," according to the Associated Press.
But that's not the cool part.
Police are looking for tattletales among the town's motel clerks and pizza and kung pao chicken delivery guys. One cop calls it the "Booze Bounty."
Delivering 10 extra-large pies with everything? See a kid with a beer? Drop a dime. You'll get $50 if your tip leads to the arrest of a party host.
And that dough will buy plenty of cheese, Ratso.

Warning, voyeurs, peepers and other pervs:

Your days of using your cell phone camera to take pictures up ladies’ skirts could be numbered.

Some lawmakers want to make such actions punishable by up to a year in jail. Not feeling so cocky now, are you? You people out there taking pictures of unaware, and often undressed, women and then putting the pics on the Net should be ashamed of yourselves.

Not that the “Would We Lie?” staff has viewed such material. But as intrepid journalists, we must go where the story leads.

More on this nefarious activity later.

Women have divorced men because the hubbies are dogs.

But a woman in China just wanted her hubby’s dog dead.

So she hired four hit men to rub out the pooch while hubby was away.

The wife was afraid the wolfhound would ruin their newly furnished apartment.

So Wolfie was hit, and hubby, when he found out, hit the roof.

The wife, Xiao Fang, is now free of the dog.

Or should we say: Dogs.

A Greek grandmother who said she fought off two knife-wielding burglars,
gaining the nom de guerre of "super granny" (or the Greek equivalent), has
been revealed as a fraud.
Maria Grepsiou, 66, said last week that she had disarmed one man and stabbed
him with his own knife. "The two men were forced to flee," she told the
media.
After questioning by police, Grepsiou confessed that she made up the story
so that her husband would spend more time with her. The "blood" on her
clothing was determined to be tomato sauce.
And she wonders why hubby is never around.