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Do you want a marriage without all that messy sex stuff getting in the way?
Hit the road to China, where a matchmaking service has been established to serve your special needs.
The company has headquarters in Nanjing, capital of Jiangsu Province, in the east of the country.
Sure, you have to drive a long way (we tried to find the driving distance and directions on Mapquest but couldn't find the exact address in Nanjing), but once you get there, you may be able to find the human being of your sexless dreams.
One caveat: Remember that China is the most populous country in the world, and those little commies don't just grow on trees, you know.
Romania, as you no doubt know, is the home of Dracula, aka Vlad the Impaler.
Speaking of Romania and impaling, a Romanian man who wanted no more children decided to glue a condom to his babymaker.
Nicolae Popovici, 43, and his wife have five children. That's plenty for anybody, we'd say. So they figured a condom would do the trick.
But the condom they bought was too big, so old Nicolae kept it in place with glue.
They had sex, after which Popovici realized he couldn't remove the thing. So he went to a medical clinic, where the condom was removed.
A nurse was quoted as saying, "He wanted it stuck on his penis so he could use it again later."
We suggest that next time Nicky buy the prophylactic that "small" men can live in: Condominimum.
The refreshing family-values story of the day:
An Indiana woman has risked a jail term to bond with her 5-year-old son.
Andrea Wilkey, 40, an enlightened mother who apparently never says no to her child, shared with the boy her crack cocaine.
Despite the fact that Wilkey has been sentenced to 18 months in prison, the experience proved to be positive for the little one. That is, he tested positive for cocaine the next day.
And even though Superior Court Judge Evan D. Goodman sentenced Wilkey to prison, he did note the woman's efforts to teach the child when he said, "It's home-schooling a child to be a drug addict."
And what better gift can a parent give a child than a good education?
In Pakistan, there lives a man who stands accused of selling his wife's kidney after manipulating her into having it removed.
Not only that, but Muhammad Ashfaq is reported then to have divorced his one-kidneyed wife, Zohra Bibi.
According to Internet sources, the hubby persuaded his wife to have surgery so they could have children. When she was sedated, he told the doctor to remove her kidney instead.
He sold it for several many dollars. Then the divorce, of course.
Police reportedly are considering pressing charges, but as we understand it, Pakistani law allows husbands to do anything they want with their wives.
Well, adultery is out, but otherwise ...
Ah, the revered Sunday family dinner. When all the clan gathers for a delicious repast. Peaceful setting. Scrumptious food.
Well, not exactly.
In West Virginia, a father and son got into a gunfight over how to cook skinless chicken for their Sunday meal. The two used .22-caliber handguns, which we guess just happened to be in the kitchen when the argument started.
Jackie Lee Shrader, 49, was charged with malicious wounding and wanton endangerment. Harley Lee Shrader, 24, was charged with wanton endangerment.
Harley Lee now has a bullet lodged in the back of his head. Jackie Lee was not injured.
The gunfight also shows just how backward West Virginia is.
Everyone knows the traditional Sunday meal is ham.
We think Dracula would be proud.
A Romanian woman has sold her husband's burial plot -- with him in it.
But not for long. She dug him up and reportly dumped him somewhere along the proverbial road.
She sold the grave because she needed the money and because "he was my husband - mine. I lived with him for 20 years and not his family."
Although she's not from Transylvania, we think the woman has represented the ghoulish side of Romania quite well.
The other members of the corpse's family were not pleased. They reportedly plan to give the man a vampire transfusion and put him in a coffin in the basement till he comes back.
Then they'll use him to scare the dirty little trick-or-treaters on Halloween night.
We here at "Would We Lie?" have decided to honor our fellow earthlings with awards from time to time, to show that we care about humankind. (The animal world can take care of itself.)
Today we present our first "Devoted Parents of the New Millennium" Award, which goes to the Poseys of somewhere in Maryland.
Pat and Joe Posey have a 19-year-old son, Kevin, to whom they've given all of their love and a big bunch of goodies.
Kevin, who can't drive, owns a little red Corvette. And though he's had no formal schooling, he has a hefty college fund.
He's a quiet kid, his mother says. He never talks back, and he never makes a mess.
His father says he loves to go fishing with Kevin, who sits silently as Dad handles the bait and such.
Is Kevin the perfect son? The Poseys think so.
The fact that he's a Cabbage Patch Doll makes it all the better.
"With every kid that you adopt, you promise to love them and be a good parent and take care of them," Kevin's mother said, "and that's what we did."
Mr. Posey added, "He's very special."
And you may ask yourself, "My God, what have they done?"
But our family was touched by the obvious love and tenderness displayed by parents and child.
The tale even prompted us to give our daughter a great big hug and kiss.
We then had to change her clothes. Barbie doesn't like to be wrinkled.
If you've seen "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover," you'll get a little of the same flavor from this tidbit.
A wedding party unknowingly ate human flesh after the father of the bride got mad at a cousin and roasted him using coconut leaves and kerosene.
The father, his son, another cousin and another relative first tried the main corpse and then took back some meat for the other guests.
A police official said the guests probably didn't notice they were eating Benjie Ganay "due to their drunkenness."
Because of indigestion or whatever, the father told his village leader, who told police.
The police chief, Superintendent Rey Lanada, said the cannabalism would be treated as an aggravating circumstance in the murder case.
If you're planning to cook a cousin any time soon, we encourage you first to take a look at "Cooking Out With Hannibal the Cannibal." No one knows how to handle human flesh quite like that madman.
This just wouldn't be "Would We Lie?" without a mention of Mary Kay Latourneau and her longtime beau, Milli Vanilli.
Latourneau, a former teacher, had sex with Vanili when Mili was 12. She got pregnant and convicted of rape or something. The judge went easy on her, letting her out of jail early if she promised to stay away from Milli. Mary Kay promised and then, as soon as she was out, had sex with Milli again, this time in a car. And again she got pregnant.
Those crazy kids!
So she went to prison. And now she's out. And a judge said she and Milli could get back together.
And, according to the always reliable New York Post, she's still hot for Vanilli, who is now 21. He has flown to Seattle to be with her.
Hold on. Now that we've actually read the piece in the Post, we have to correct ourselves. The kid's name is Vili Fualaau. Not Milli Vanilli.
We apologize to Mary Kay, Fualaau and all readers who demand accuracy from their journalists.
But we like the name Milli Vanilli. We think we'll use it.
After all, we don't really write any of this stuff. We have ghost writers for that.
We just accept the awards.
Another example of bad sex:
A girlfriend and boyfriend had sex while in a Georgia jail, conceived a child, and now the grandparents of that baby girl want the county to help pay for her upkeep.
The sex partners said they were allowed a conjugal visit, but the sheriff says no no no, we don't do that kind of stuff here.
The sheriff said the boyfriend, Adrian Howard, picked some locks to get together with girlfriend LaTonya Finney. Heh. "Picked some locks." I'll bet he did.
Regardless of how the two managed to conceive the child, the grandparents, Ronnie and Patricia Finney, argue that Sheriff Kerry Dunaway shares some of the responsibility — and the cost — while the tot’s parents are both serving prison terms.
County Attorney David Mincey Jr.'s response: "I just think it’s a very, very bizarre social conscience these people have that their daughter conceives a child and they think the sheriff is responsible."
That could be, sources say, because little Adrianna bears a striking resemblance to Mr. Dunaway. Right down to her itsy-bitsy cowboy boots.
We're proud to be an Okie from Oklahoma.
That's redundant, we know. But it just feels somehow ... right.
Now to the news:
Two sisters from Sulphur, Okla., were swimming at a recreation area when they began fighting in the water.
The fight moved toward land, and at some point both women lost their tops, exposing their breasts to the multitudes on shore.
Candace Denise Rochelle Hamilton, 32, was charged with disturbing the peace.
Her sister, Melody Mae Fisher, left the area as the curses from Hamilton and her children rang out.
Our point? In Oklahoma, we don't need no Jerry Springer or "Survivor" or "Donald Trump Presents: 10 Ways to Humiliate Your Employees and Make Them Cry."
We make our own fun.
The world is abuzz about an odd occurrence in the mountainous kingdom of Bhutan: It seems a mule has given birth.
While not impossible, according to experts, such foaliage is extremely rare.
But even more miraculous: Haa, the mule, gave birth to a male human child and named it Brian.
According to kingdomofbhutan.com, Bhutan is a country in the eastern Himalayas that has been "visited by a great many saints, mystics, scholars and pilgrims over the centuries."
Brian was discovered by three men who were following a star (we think it was Angelina Jolie). The three were suspected of being paparazzi.
Haa is a golden mule, and rumor has it the birth was foretold by Nostradamus, the 16th century seer, in one of his quatrains.
Mules are crosses between male donkeys and a female horses. Experts suspect that Haa must have had relations with a male human, and a source says the investigation is focusing on Michael Jackson.
OK, OK, OK. Most of the above is untrue. But the mule did have a baby. And it did happen in Bhutan.
Would we lie?
We've long thought that putting cameras at traffic lights to catch those red-light runners was a great idea.
And we didn't even consider that the cameras would catch other ne'er-do-wells.
But according to an unidentified California man, just such a camera caught his wife cheating on him, and he figures he shouldn't have to pay the $341 ticket resulting from the shots the camera got.
He points out that the picture clearly shows another man doing ... what the husband should have been doing.
Driving, that is.
As Buddy Holly almost wrote in "True Love Ways":
Please settle down
Wipe off that frown
The more you crab,
The more I’ll stab,
For true love ways
Holly, a true seer and soothsayer, anticipated real life by about 50 years.
A man stabbed his fiancee in the chest because she had pre-wedding jitters. She then married him.
Katrina Grant is 36. Her new husband, Luke, is 22.
Grant needed 12 stitches to close the gash, and one of her lungs collapsed. And Luke was drunk when he did the deed.
But (cue the Love Unlimited Orchestra) she still loves him.
She has been quoted as saying, "He’s worth a second chance. He’ll never hurt me again."
Notice she didn’t say anything about "kill" or "bury" or "make to disappear."
She, like us, sees the glass as half full.
Our own grandmothers can no longer be scammed (they all live "upstairs" now), so we'll issue this alert in the name of grandmas everywhere:
Be aware of con artists calling and saying, "Hello, Grandma, this is your grandson."
These leeches are on the loose in California and could be in your neighborhood soon -- as soon as they read this.
According to a a sheriff's spokesman quoted in the Los Angeles Times, the creeps ask for less than $1,000 because "Western Union does not require identification for sums under" that amount.
The scumbag tells "Grandma" that he's in trouble because of a car accident and then asks for bail money.
Grannies, we urge you to just say no, whoever it is on the phone. Even your real grandson is a worthless punk anyway, who doesn't deserve any of your hard-earned cash. Let 'em rot in jail a little while.
Don't worry, they'll thank you later for your "tough love."
An unsettling situation has reared its ugly head, and we at “Would We Lie?” would like to rear our ugly head and try to unsettle it even further.
As you’ll see on the letters page of the Daily News for Monday, May 24, an inmate is pleading for his right to receive visits from his dog, a Belgian German shepherd.
Jose Mendez, who didn’t list the crime he committed, is mad as hell and he can’t do a thing about it. He’s in jail.
But Mendez says in his letter that he has talked with other inmates and that they are equally appalled.
Add the staff of “Would We Lie?” to that list.
Conjugal visits are important in the rehabilitation of criminals. Let the imprisoned guys and gals see their pets. What can it hurt?
OK, maybe Fluffy will try to sneak drugs into the place, or a weapon. But that’s what guards and strip searches are for. Yes?
Another senseless religion-related attack:
A woman in Oregon, reportedly arguing over a Bible verse, allegedly poured boiling oil onto his head and upper body.
Angel Suntaria Morris, 19, was arrested as she walked away from the apartment in which she allegedly maimed her boyfriend.
Angel (misnomer?) and her beau had been arguing when Morris went to the kitchen to check on her french fries. The beau followed her and continued arguing. (Isn't that just like a man?)
Women being the way they are, the man, who no doubt was right, gave up and went to his bedroom.
Morris followed with the french fries and tossed the whole mess into beau's face.
She's been charged with first-degree assault, which carries a mandatory sentence of 90 months in prison. Ninety months equals ... hmmm ... at least five years, maybe more.
An imaginary source has told "Would We Lie?" that the two were arguing over the Ten Commandments, particularly the one that says, "Thou shalt not harm thy beau with boiling liquids."
Is giving birth in the back seat of a car all that weird? OK, no, it’s not.
Remember the episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” when brother Robert, a cop, helped his sister-in-law, Deborah, squeeze out a newborn?
Now Officer Jeannie Yates knows how Robert felt.
Yates pulled over a speeding car in Arkansas, and seven minutes later she helped deliver a baby boy.
Baby, mother and father were fine. Their workplaces no doubt are covered with e-mails and other notes exclaiming over the new kid on the block.
The odd thing about this whole deal? Yates said she herself gave birth to her first child at home by herself during a snowstorm.
But hey, that’s what the hardy folks down in that part of the country do. They’re tough, self-sufficient, faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
Yes, we’re talking about Arkansans. And Oklahomans.
Especially Okies.
A California woman who wanted to get rid of unwanted guests tried to get them gone by turning on the gas.
But it was she who was overcome.
The 51-year-old Victorville woman had met the pair through a family friend. They were to spend the night and then skeedaddle.
They stayed six weeks and were perfectly comfortable (see "Raising Arizona" for the movie version).
The woman reportedly told police she was afraid of the men, who were apparently criminal types (again, see "Raising Arizona"). They were taken into custody on suspicion of dealing drugs.
The gas did not bother those guys, but ain't that always the way?
We interrupt our regularly scheduled nonsense to bring you the following rant:
After we had seen the Nissel prediction go down in flames, we went looking for Smarty stories to see what we could make fun of. We fould this next tidbit on ESPN.com. And we felt it needed a serious response. It just seemed a needlessly harsh view of the City that Shoves You Back. We didn't catch the name of the author, but that person should learn a little respect.
He or she wrote:
Now was all that really necessary?
Philadelphia fans cynics? The ever-hopeful, ever-faithful, ever-honest Philly fans?
We here work with Philly fans. We live with Philly fans. We KNOW them.
And you bet Philly's excited for Smarty Jones.
Hell, all America is excited for Smarty.
So how does that mean that Philly has a hardened heart? We say, Hell no!
Philly's heart just has a thin candy shell, but it has a soft chewy center.
Philly fans are not evil. Just think of them as the Gorgeous George of fandom. They may get out of hand at times, but it's only an act for the TV audience.
And by the way, when will someone point out that that Santa deserved booing?
We now return you to your regularly scheduled stuff.
Youth, some wag once said and then was quoted by millions of old folks over the years, is wasted on the young.
Maybe it’s called irony. We don’t know.
But two recent lottery winners figure into that whole wasted-youth dictum.
You read about the 60-year-old Australian guy who won almost $350,000 after picking the same number on three Lotto tickets.
It turns out he bought three tickets because, first, he forgot he'd bought one already, and second, he didn't trust a friend to buy the ticket he wanted.
We thought until just a few minutes ago that 60 was not terribly old. We've been corrected by a 47-year-old colleague, who says 60 is "g------ old." (He actually said "goldern.")
So if 60 is old, what do you say about 78? That's the age of the guy in Dexter, Mich., who just won his second -- that’s right, SECOND -- $1 million lottery scratch-and-sniff prize.
And what has Russell Tanner done? That’s right. He has shared his money with his children.
They’re probably a lot younger than he.
Are you gay, and do you want to marry someone of your gender?
If you get to Provincetown, Mass., by Monday, you might be able to get hitched.
Town officials have defied their governor and OK’d the issuance of marriage licenses to people from out of state.
The governor, whose name is Romney, is still fighting the town. He has issued warnings and criticisms and listed all the bad things that can happen if gay people get married in Massachusetts.
For one thing, they have to go to Massachusetts.
Women have divorced men because the hubbies are dogs.
But a woman in China just wanted her hubby’s dog dead.
So she hired four hit men to rub out the pooch while hubby was away.
The wife was afraid the wolfhound would ruin their newly furnished apartment.
So Wolfie was hit, and hubby, when he found out, hit the roof.
The wife, Xiao Fang, is now free of the dog.
Or should we say: Dogs.
A late Mother's Day item, this especially for all our fellow Okies:
A woman was taken into custody at a Florida Wal-Mart recently after officials found the woman's mother, Melba Doshier, of Covington, Okla., sitting in their car -- dead.
Shoppers apparently had complained of a stench coming from the vehicle.
Alicia Doshier was being evaluated. She apparently drove from Oklahoma to Florida with her decomposing mother, but officials have not determined why.
And to all mothers out there, alive or otherwise, Happy Mother's Day!