We don't often wander into the field of entertainment. Colleagues Howard Gensler and Catherine Lucey take excellent care of that area.
But we had to comment on the mind of Elton John.
The guy who used to sing a lot is now talking too much. He's clashed verbally with Madonna and, well, who knows who else (we suppose you do, smarty pants). Now he's exposing himself.
No, not that way. He recently told a German magazine that snow-covered mountains remind him of his days of cocaine and roses.
And he did a lot. The magazine reportedly quoted him as saying that he has been told he once spent millions of dollars every few months on, among other things, cocaine.
He had to rely on someone else's word because he can't remember his behavior in the 1980s.
Although the magazine didn't report his other comments, rumor has it that Sir Elton talked about his reaction to other natural wonders, such as:
The Grand Canyon reminds him of Madonna's mouth.
The Grand Canyon reminds him of George Michael's mouth.
His recent throat infection reminds him of ... oh, enough about Elton.
His career really peaked with "Your Song."
The rest has been tailspin. So to speak.

Ain't love grand?
The not-so-nice part is when it ends. People can get pretty hostile.
And then all hell can break loose.
Case in point: Antonio Hernandez, 29, has pleaded guilty to hijacking a Greyhound bus with the intention of taking it from Utah to Nebraska and ramming his estranged wife's mobile home.
Hernandez told the court he was upset because he thought his wife was cheating on him.
A perfectly valid reason, we would say. But we guess the laws are different in Utah.
The husband faces 15 years in jail and a substantial fine.
But the biggest punishment, we're sure, is his broken heart.
Please muffle your sobs.

How times have changed since 1982.
At that time, disappointed diners just asked for their money back.
Recall the scene in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" when the guy thought his breakfast "was a little undercooked"? And pointed out to Brad Hamilton that the sign "says one hundred percent guaranteed, you moron!" And an angry Brad responds, "Mister, if you don't shut up I'm gonna kick one hundred percent of your ass!"
So, OK, maybe the times were a little more violent than we thought.
But nothing like today, when a person dissatisfied with a sandwich throws the food at a counterperson and threatens to kill her and to blow up the building.
It should be pointed out, however, that this confrontation occurred in Texas.
So maybe it's not so strange.
The story: Houston public works worker Delvin Nelson, 34, got upset when his Subway sandwich was not warm enough. And the above-mentioned terror ensued.
Nelson was arrested and has been charged with making a terroristic threat.
And he never got his sandwich just the way he liked it.

We don't know where the dumb-blonde joke originated, but we can show you that it's based on truth:
In Hungary, a group of women calling themselves the Blonde Women's Movement wants the government to ban dumb-blonde jokes.
That's right. A ban. On jokes.
But only about dumb blondes. Not about the Polish. Not about the Irish. Not about George W. Bush (of which we're extremely happy).
The situation has become so volatile that some blondes got violent recently during a protest outside a bar called Blondy, throwing eggs and such at the place.
Of course, they missed.

You just want to get inside this guy's head and see what's going on. Know what we mean?
The guy in question is accused of smearing fecal matter (you know, dookie) on money he used to pay off a parking ticket.
He must have had an extremely good reason. He's a psychiatrist in Iowa.
Or maybe that's a clue. He's a psychiatrist in Iowa.
When confronted by police, whose hands had been soiled, the man said he had accidentally dropped the money in the toilet.
And even mental health professionals can make mistakes. He probably thought the bills were toilet paper.
He faces jail time and a $500 fine if convicted.
Of what? Oh, some crap or other.

Shades of Mike Tyson!
If the Hindi language daily Prabhat Khabar is to be believed (can anyone around here read Hindi?) an Indian woman bit off her sister-in-law's ear and swallowed it during a fight.
The row was over a debt one woman's husband owed the other woman's husband.
So the lender left his wife with the indebted wife and told her to stay there until she had the money.
One thing led to another, as they say, and the two women got into a -- what's the Hindi word for "catfight"?
The two tussled, and the indebted wife, last name Sav, allegedly bit off the ear of the other wife, last name Devi. And gulp! Down it went.
According to no source that we know of, police have placed Mrs. Sav in a toilet stall under 24-hour watch until she returns the ear.
And the Savs still want their money.

Ever heard of Haribo? No?
OK, try this. Remember the "Little Rascals" kid who continually, annoyingly said, "Remarkabo!"
Well, the two words rhyme, kind of.
Haribo is a candymaker in Germany. It gained fame somewhere in the world with its Golden Bear, which we all know was later stolen by golfer Jack Nicklaus as a nickname.
More to the point: Haribo has attracted the ire of a Catholic college in Bonn because of its new candy wrappers, which show bits of fruit frolicking together in the altogether.
College officials say the fruits are obviously cavorting in a sexual manner, and they are offended.
A letter from the college says, according to other sources: "We are shocked at the shameless presentation of sexual practices on the wrapping, which includes not only sexual intercourse but also fellatio and cunnilingus."
If you don't believe those good Catholics, you can see for yourself right here.
In case you don't have a computer handy, let us try to describe the fruits' activities:
On one label, a lemon and a lime are winking and grinning and working on having little lemon-limes. (Said the college: "The lemon, which from the drawing looks female, is obviously enjoying it with the greatest of pleasure." Which we think is a good thing. Don't you?)
On another, a lime is joyfully licking a pair of cherries. (That lime does get around, doesn't he?)
The company's response to the Catholic criticism? "The new wrapping is certainly fruitier than the old. But we have not had any other complaints."
Given the recent history of the Catholic Church (and you know what we're talking about, nudge nudge, wink wink), we think the college's reaction to the fruity display is... "REMARKABO!"

We at "Would We Lie?" do not cover sports. That arena already has too many liars.
But a headline caught our eye and made us wonder.
The headline: Phelps takes on Thorpe in 200-meter freestyle tonight
It's an Olympic event, two well-known swimmers facing each other in a crucial swimming event. If one wins, we'll have world peace. If the other wins, we'll all have to move to Australia.
But our wandering mind took us a bit farther afield. We wondered: Who would win in a swimming match between Jim Phelps, leader of the "Mission: Impossible" squad, and Jim Thorpe, winner of numerous athletic awards who was named greatest athlete of part of a century (we think the last one) who went on to have a marvelous career as a drinker. And he was an Okie.
In your answer, please explain your reasoning. For instance: "Jim Phelps, who would choose to accept this mission, would sabotage Thorpe's swimming suit to fall down just as the starting gun went off."
Or: "Jim Thorpe would cream Phelps because he was from Oklahoma and Phelps was from Hollywood, and we all know that those Hollywood types take drugs and mess around with disease-riddled floosies, which makes them weak, weak, weak!"
See, it's kind of like Freddie vs. Jason, or Alien vs. Predator. Yes, all three premises are really, really stupid.
Please keep your answers within the bounds of good taste.
This quiz is brought to you by ouzo, the official drink of the Olympics.

We Americans are so concerned about our own air security (which is a good thing, don't get us wrong) that we sometimes forget that other countries are having problems in that area, too.
Take Russia, for instance.
Just the other day a passenger aboard Russia's top airline was attacked and beaten.
The assailants? Two drunken flight attendants.
The passenger, a Mr. Chernopup, apparently complained abour poor service because the flight attendants were drinking. (You know Russians love their vodka.)
So the flight attendants beat him to a fare-thee-well.
The attendants must've started sousing even before giving the passengers the safety chat, you know: Location of the emergency exits and how to use them; how to use other passengers as float devices in case the plane plunges into an ocean, lake or creek; how to buckle your seat belt when you're smashed out of your gourd.
In fact, they might have been too drunk to give those valuable airline tips. After all, they didn't even start serving food until an hour and a half into the four-hour flight.
And when they did, they left more food on the floor of the aisle than they passed on to passengers.
Which upset Mr. Chernobyl, who asked for sober flight attendants.
Which upset his servers, who decided to pummel him.
As a real news site reported, "The entire crew of the flight" was temporarily dismissed "and a joint commission was investigating the incident."
We can assume that Russia soon will have a Homeland Security agency and that guards will create long lines by strip-searching passengers and smelling their breath.
Das vidania.

If you've watched "Six Feet Under," you know that odd things happen before, during and after funerals on that show.
But that sort of stuff happens in real life, too. Take the Alabama guy who ended up in a hospital after he and his brother-in-law argued over who got to keep a plant from another relative's funeral.
The plant cost $17.
Dan Holt, 42, was stabbed. William Ivey, 38, wielded the knife. Ivey told police he stabbed his brother-in-law after Holt hit him on the head with a gun.
The funeral was for Ivey's father.
The uproar, with family members screaming at one another and so forth, brought police and firefighters rushing to the scene.
Officials are expected to send the case to a grand jury.
But, people, just think about it. Is a $17 plant (which is better than flowers because you can keep it indefinitely, while the flowers, as symbols of life on this planet, die in a matter of days) worth causing a family catastrophe?
Of course not.
So here's the solution: Next time a loved one dies, rather than cause a family dust-up, just send a contribution to your favorite charity: the Would We Lie? Home for Middle-Aged Men with White Hair. At this address.
Your dearly departed would want it that way.

Most American airline passengers show their patriotism and support for security by cooperating completely with security guards. They know that a nut could get on a plane and wreak all sorts of havoc. So they stand in long lines. They take off their shoes. They open their bags.
Daryl Miller is not one of those Americans.
To prove that he was not carrying any weapons of mass distruction, he dropped his shorts in front of a guard in Minneapolis.
Miller was not wearing underwear. (But then again, who does these days?)
He was charged with indecent exposure.
Miller also had a note in his bag with some vulgar expletives he said was intended for the guard who looked inside.
Airport police Lt. Matt Christenson summed up the matter quite succinctly:
"This person exposed themself in a public area, a clear violation of the law, and we needed to take some action on that, otherwise everybody would be dropping their pants."
And we certainly wouldn't want that, now, would we?

Unless you get your news exclusively from "Would We Lie?" you've heard that Jeri Ryan, formerly Seven of Nine on "Star Trek: Voyager" and Ronnie Cooke on "Boston Public," once accused her husband of taking her to sex clubs where people got naked and had sex with strangers of all ilks. She said he tried to force her (we're talking about Seven of Nine, remember) to have sex in front of strangers.
Our own "Tattle" has provided the meat of the news: He's a Republican candidate for Illinois Senate. He's denied the accusations. She now says he's a swell guy. Blah blah blah.
We're repeating the item only for the pervs in the audience.
After all, have you seen Jeri Ryan? We can't even imagine a sweet, beautiful woman like her in a sweat-filled, noisy, fluid-flying ... well, anyway.
But we know many of you creepy devils can. So shove that fantasy into your demented little heads ... until they explode.

For those of you who have lobbied loudly to make soccer a big American sport, we offer this cautionary tale:
A man in Malaysia, a "football" fanatic, sneaked out of bed to watch an apparently important soccer match. He did it despite a command from his wife that he hit the sack early because he had to get the kids to school the next morning.
So he's in front of the TV when suddenly he is attacked. By his wife. With the remote control.
She smacks him on the head a few times and then takes away the "smart card" that allows hubby to watch his favorite sport. (Some people call it "football" because it has something to do with feet and a ball. But they're confused. We Americans invented football. Soccer was invented to keep little kids busy during school.)
The 46-year-old man, identified only as Yap, according to some news service or other, was quoted as saying: "My wife just doesn't understand my passion for football." (See "football" above.)
Yap opened his (yap, that is) to the authorities, who had a little talk with the little woman. She soon relented and said hubby could watch the stupid game.
Yippee for Yap.

The staff of "Would We Lie?" is jumping aboard a campaign to get slow drivers to get their butts out of the passing lane.
The National Motorists Association in Waunakee, Wis., wherever that is, has declared June "Lane Courtesy Month."
The group blames the 55-mph speed limit of years past for the rudeness in this era of 85-mph limits.
It seems to those of us who graduated from prestigious Internet colleges that these drivers would notice the parades they create when they get in the far left land and putter along at 50.
Even worse is when several of these gawkers fill all the lanes, creating traffic jams that leave other drivers hungry to smash into a bumper or two.
Ever heard of road rage, slowpokes?
So get with it. Get in that slow lane and watch the rest of us zip past you with smiles on our faces -- until we get on our cell phones or start putting on our makeup and inadvertently veer from our lanes and smash into something just as hard as our car.
We logical drivers wouldn't have it any other way.

If you saw Smarty Jones' recent editorial in the Daily News, you know that Smarty hates flies.
Well, it turns out that someone else may hate flies even more than Smarty.
A Chinese businessman, Hu Xilin, has been on a fly-squashing rampage for 10 years. It began with a fly squatting in his soup, which ruined Hu's business party. Actually, the official Chinese news agency didn't specify soup, but hey, give us a little room for poetic license, OK?
So Hu's been at war with the pesky insects ever since. Now he's recruiting a "swat" team (not our pun, thank you very much) of fly killers.
If Hu can rid the world of flies, we're sure Smarty will be quite pleased.
The ecological ramifications, however, could be severe. It could mean ... the end of the world.
Eek.

Women have divorced men because the hubbies are dogs.

But a woman in China just wanted her hubby’s dog dead.

So she hired four hit men to rub out the pooch while hubby was away.

The wife was afraid the wolfhound would ruin their newly furnished apartment.

So Wolfie was hit, and hubby, when he found out, hit the roof.

The wife, Xiao Fang, is now free of the dog.

Or should we say: Dogs.

That Washington has to be one wacky state. Remember Mary K. Letourneau? Based on recent events in Mount Vernon, Wash., we're betting she was an honor student.

The reason: At a chaperoned dance for middle school honor students, two girls, 12 and 14, beat another girl unconscious on the dance floor.

The two were taken into custody. The beatee suffered minor injuries.

And some Americans wonder where our boys overseas learned to be so brutal.