Hallelujah! What good news for modern man, and what better time?
As we near the day that symbolizes the birth of the son of God (of course, everyone knows that Jesus was born in mid-July, midday, with no stars in sight, except maybe Dick Clark), we can celebrate the news that the son of God's father -- yes, God himself! -- lives!
The Word comes from Ricardo Gonzales, a Chilean psychic, who told a newspaper that based on conversations he's had with the Virgin Mary on his cell phone, he has divined that God does indeed exist and that there is life after death.
But apparently the Supreme Dude is worried about us. Word has it that Mary passed along a question from Himself, that question being: "Can you hear me now?"

Even though we're pacifists, we wanted to pass this vital info along to other lefties out there.
No, we're not talking about politics. We the staff of "Would We Lie?" are left-handed.
Anyway.
Purported scientists now contend that left-handedness developed as a means of survival in the early, violent years.
Unlike today, when we all live in peace and love and harmony, past eras have been known for their behead-now-talk-later attitude.
And in those climates the lefty was born.
The purported scientists, from France, say that because lefties are less common than righties, they have an advantage in fights.
But we do have to ask: What the hell would France know about fighting?
At any rate, be advised.

Sorry we're late with this item, but we got so caught up in the whole "Monday Night Football" situation that we forgot to do our job.
First, let's address that spot on ABC.
Some people consider it racist. Some think it was inappropriate. Many millions of people didn't even see it because they don't have TVs, and they probably wouldn't give a damn anyway. Millions of other people have TVs but didn't watch football. ABC, we're sure, hopes that some of those millions will now tune in "Monday Night Football" just in case the network does another risque bit.
For us, we just want Dennis Miller back. We didn't understand a word he said, but man, was he funny!
Now back to the news: A skin specialist has put forth the theory that pimples exist to stop teenagers from having sex, which increases the risk of pregnancy.
Example: Two girls are walking down the hall at school, and they pass Reggie, the horny sophomore who continually makes rude gestures at them.
One girl says to the other: "Oooooh, it's Pizza Face! Run away! Run away!"
The girls run, and thus intercourse does not occur.
At least with Reggie.
But what about Rock Hardman, the jock with the zitless face and the big ... muscles?
Hey, we don't have any answers. Maybe the girls are gay, which is probably the biggest obstacle to pregnancy we know of. Unless you are that lesbian singer or that lesbian actress or that lesbian writer, all of whom somehow managed to get pregnant.

We just wanted to add one thing to the story about the miracle in cheese. You know, the woman who is selling or has sold a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich that bears the image of the Virgin Mary?
We just wanted to say that we accept the miracle and that we think the Virgin Mary is a really hot piece of cheese-- even after 10 years.

For exhibitionists who don't like to take their clothes off in front of other people, the Brits have just the thing: an airport security machine that takes pictures right through your clothes. You appear naked.
Yes. Naked.
The X-ray machine is undergoing a four-month trial, during which passengers are asked to volunteer to be exposed ... uh, X-rayed.
A civil rights group is complaining that the machine violates a person's privacy.
Those civil rights people. Don't they ever have any fun?
Our own airport security folks say they have reservations -- get it? Reservations? Ha -- about the machine.
But if you're an exhibitionist, you have to be thrilled. Going through the checkpoint over and over, becoming naked, suddenly dressed, becoming naked, suddenly dressed.
We read about such a gadget in comic book ads when we were much younger: X-ray glasses that allow you to see THROUGH CLOTHES!
We were as titillated as young boys can be, but we never ordered one. We thought it would be awkward, going around the neighborhood asking people to look at us through the thing.

Another example of life imitating art:
You'll recall, we hope, that in the movie "Sleeper," Woody Allen included a device called the Orgasmatron. One entered the chamber and turned it on, and the device turned them on.
Now a doctor in North Carolina has found a real Orgasmatron, and his women patients say they've never had it so good.
Dr. Stuart Maloy, a pain specialist, put an electrode to a woman's spine in an effort to decrease her pain. Surprisingly, and pleasantly so to the woman, the hook-up gave her an orgasm.
Now the doctor is providing orgasms to women who have not had them in some time. He hooks up some electrodes to a woman's lower spine, and a hand-held device can cause the things to tickle her fancy.
In a related announcement, a Texas company has invented an orgasm device it calls Slightest Touch. It attaches to the ankles.
So we guess it's true that the whole body, including the ankles, can be an erogenous zone.
And we say more power to you, women!

They study the weirdest things in Germany.
The latest example: Psychologists at Bremen University say blondes become dumber after hearing dumb-blonde jokes.
You know how those studies go: They picked some students, some of them blondes, and told them stuff.
One group was told one thing. The other was told something else.
The key was that some blondes were basically told they were stupid.
They did less well than others in the various tests afterward.
Blondes who weren't denigrated apparently did better.
But they were stull dumb.
Hey, blondie, that's not me saying it - take it up with the Germans!
Those are the people who live in Germany. Remember?

This just in (so to speak):
The makers of Cialis, the erection drug, are making the "Cialis Promise."
You can get a free sample of the pill, and if you don't like what it does for you, the company will give you either Viagra or Levitra. We recommend Viagra (not that we need such stimulants).
Sales of Cialis are not rising, thus the ad scheme.
Paul Clark, the head cheese at ICOS Corp., was quoted as saying, "We're putting our money where our mouth is."
We've never heard of that position, but we're looking forward to trying it.

Extremely teeny-tiny mini-microbes found in Greenland have given scientists a lift as they dream of sending humans to Mars and other unfriendly climes.
These small creatures have survived at least 120,000 years, nearly two miles below a glacier.
One researcher said, "We are particularly interested in the formation of ultra-small cells as one possible stress-survival mechanism, whether they are starved, minute forms of known normal-sized microbes or intrinsically dwarf novel organisms, and also whether these cells are able to carry on metabolic processes while they are so highly stressed."
Yeah, sure. Just think of “Fantastic Voyage,” the movie that managed to make Raquel Welch and her various parts small.
Human beings shrunk to the size of angels on the head of a pin and sent off to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to … oh, you get it.
As philosopher, actor, writer, comedian, producer and fellow white-haired man Steve Martin put it so well so many years ago: “Let’s get small.”

Want to hear some scientific mumbo-jumbo that has something to do with farting? Of course you do. Check out this press release from Microbia Inc.:
"Microbia Inc. today presented preclinical data demonstrating that its novel-mechanism therapeutic candidate to treat irritable bowel syndrome effectively relieves gastrointestinal pain and promotes gastrointestinal transit, the key defining attributes of IBS. The orally delivered compound, MD-1100, is a potent superagonist of guanylate cyclase-C, a receptor found on the surface of intestinal cells."
We're sure millions will be relieved to hear that someone is working on something to relieve irritable bowel syndrome. That's why we're here, to help you, the reader.
And we apologize for the use of "farting" above. We should have said "passing gas." Or perhaps "flatulence."
We're usually much more couth.

If you're a chocolate freak already, wait till you hear this:
A European expert has told a conference in England that within five years, candymakers will provide chocolate bars that will provide not only flavor but an orgasm. Literally.
It has to do with chemicals in the candy. We'll save the chemistry lesson for later. And we don't know whether you have to assist the candy in some way. We think you know what we mean.
The expert, Dr. Trudy Barber, also says that robotic prostitutes will be available soon.
Barber said plenty of other things, but we got bored and moved on.

Vegans, now you too can fly to the moon and play among the stars. You too can see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars.
Yes, space travelers now have a veggie spread to replace all those meat- and dairy-based products they ingest in space. At least, we think they do. But what do we know?
The spread, Veg@eez, was created by a team of Penn State students. It is made from minimally processed spinach, chard, tomatoes, carrots, potatoes, sweet potatoes and radishes and combined with spices.
Yum, huh?
So our astronauts must be feeling like pigs in ... uh, mud.
First the Chinese develop a space program. Now this.
Which means that sometime soon, spacepersons not only can have their veggies, but they can get their kung pao chicken delivered.

A 50-year-old Chinese woman has found that drinking rat urine does not increase her sexual urge, but it does give her bigger breasts.

A newspaper somewhere reported that rat-urine drinking was an old folk prescription. Or maybe that’s old-folk prescription.

The woman set bait in her pigsty, made her captive female rat urinate in a bowl, and drank the outcome.

She was later diagnosed with cyclomastopathy, which, according to one of our medical dictionaries, means “an affection of the mammae, presenting excessive connective tissue overgrowth or epithelial proliferation or both in response to growth stimuli or as a manifestation of abnormal involution following normal response.”

We should be able to explain that. We earned a medical degree from ... uh ... doctorshospital.com.

And we’ve always had an affection for mammae. How often have we sung that great old song, “Mammae, how I love you, how I love you,” etc.

What do you mean, Swanee? In the words of our beloved president, Who cares what you think?

Russia is getting into the erotica business in a big way: The star attraction of its first museum devoted to such exhibits is none other than Rasputin's penis.

The pickled penis, said to be a foot long, reportedly still possesses the mystical powers that its owner had before his ignominious murder.

As we all know, Rasputin was known as much for his sexual exploits as he was his influence over Russia's last emperor and empress.

According to a Russian newspaper, whose report was repeated in papers throughout the known world, museum founder Igor Knyazkin said Russia can now get over its penis envy of the United States, "where Napoleon Bonaparte's penis is now kept."

And Knyazkin apparently knows a thing or two about preserved peni: "Napoleon's penis is but a small pod -- it cannot stand comparison to our organ of 30 centimeters." [Which sounds like a lot, but it's really just 12 inches]

This just in: A construction worker in California shot himself in the head with a nail gun, firing six sharp, nasty projectiles into his skull. Four pierced his skull, with three reaching his brain.

The accident occurred April 19.

Isidro Mejia, 39, is recovering. A spokesman for Providence Holy Cross Medical Center was quoted as saying, "With injuries like that, he should have been dead."

But look at it this way: He'll be the perfect guy to play Pinhead in the next "Hellraiser" movie.