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If you haven't read the Daily News since football season started, you may not be aware of the series of articles by reporter Catherine Lucey on the behavior of some parking lot Casanovas at Eagles games. Their favorite phrase apparently is, "Show us your t-ts." (And that doesn't stand for "tots.")
We urge those hooligans to hit the road for Canada, where a woman reportedly flashed her bra-covered breasts at a hockey game last week. Then she shook them back and forth at the players and fans.
The players were 11, about the same emotional age as our own parking-lot harassers.
Must be sports that bring out the animal in so many of us.
Growl.
Latest entry in the life-is-funny archives:
A Florida couple whose hurricane-damaged home had just been repaired returned from a vacation and found that the home had disappeared.
Neighbors said they saw a white van at the site as the house was demolished and hauled away. But no one remembers seeing a company name.
The rest, as they say, is a mystery.
Joel and Carol Prucha were surprised, to say the least.
"You just don't know what it's like to come around a corner and not see it there and it should be there," Carol Prucha said.
Excuse us, Carol, but we think we do know what it's like. We have a recurrent dream in which we enter a festive soiree and as we walk through the crowd, our clothing disappears. And the crowd points and laughs. And we look down. And we don't see it there. And it SHOULD BE THERE!
Just talking about it gives us the willies.
"Read Books, Get Brain."
That's what the ad said. Very simple. The standard translation of the ad, we think, is, "If you read, you'll get smarter."
But apparently other people see it differently. They read it as, "If you read, you'll get oral sex."
The ad, which ran on about 200 buses in New York, was from hip-hop clothing maker Akademiks. Word is that those smartypants intended to be naughty.
Officials have since removed the ads, leaving the buses bare.
Akademiks also placed the ads on buses and bus shelters in Miami, Chicago, Los Angeles, Detroit, San Francisco and Philadelphia, a company spokesman said.
We love to read, by the way.
Coincidentally, it seems one of the Stooges has come back to entertain us once again.
The Reuter article from which we borrowed the basic theme of this item was written by Larry Fine.
Remember? "Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard." Larry Fine, "the one in the middle," was born in South Philly and died somewhere else in 1975.
Another example of your homeland security at work:
A San Diego woman objected, for some reason, when a female screener at Denver International Airport said she was going to feel the woman's breasts.
Ava Kingston, 36, said she balked at the notification, which promptly caused a phalanx of security folks to descend upon the woman. They told her she couldn't board without being felt up ... er, security-checked.
Eventually the security people tired of Kingston's resistance and shot her.
Just kidding. They booted her from the airport, so she took her fiance, rented a car and drove home.
Kingston was later quoted as saying, "I felt violated."
But dammit, if we can't violate our own people, how can we, in good conscience, violate the rest of the world?
And yes, we've already applied to be female security screeners.
You just can't be too careful these days.
That was the rationale at an Australian airport after buzzing in a trashcan caused officials to evacuate.
We mean the airport. They evacuated the airport.
Turns out the buzzing was an adult sex toy in the "on" position.
According to some source or other, cafeteria manager Lynne Bryant said the sudden sound of humming was "rather disconcerting."
She also said later that the buzz sounded exactly like a vibrator, but you can't be too careful these days.
She didn't explain how she could identify the sound of one vibrator buzzing.
And we wonder about the owner of the device. Was it vibratus interruptus? Or did she suddenly develop a fear of preflight security checks?
Anyway, Mackey Airport reopened and someone did something with the vibrator.
We can guess what.
They don't call it the Heartland for nothing.
Friendly, happy people who love themselves as much as they love one another.
An example: In Springfield, Ohio, a deputy sheriff has been accused of masturbating at a salon as he was getting his hair done.
Apparently workers at the salon noticed strange goings-on under the cloak that covered Deputy Eric Shane from neck to knee. Was he adjusting his heavy gunbelt? Getting settled in the stylist's chair?
Nope. Just polishing his weapon.
Allegedly.
Shane is charged with public indecency.
Not long ago the Daily News reported some eerie goings-on at a local park.
Creepy guys were seen creeping around in the woods as women used the path running through the creepy woods.
You remember.
Well, it seems that the Aspen, Colo., area has a similar problem. In this case, however, the creeps are naked.
A hiker named Sasha (who asked somebody else not to use her last name, which they didn't, which means that we can't use it either) came across the naked man as she walked along the trail up Conundrum Creek.
Sasha told the Aspen Times that she'd first seen the man on the trail fully dressed. Later, as she was heading back, the man popped out from behind a tree, fully naked.
Sasha said that the first time she saw him she thought he was well-equipped. Big backpack, doncha know.
The second time, she wasn't so impressed.
"It was just sort of perched there," she told an obviously curious Times reporter about the man's "equipment."
She saw the man a third time, this time wearing rain gear.
They parted and haven't seen each other since.
It remains a puzzlement for all involved. Thus we think it happened in the perfect place: Conundrum Creek.
Shoppers, we have a special in the gross department:
A Safeway store in Washington state recalled produce it had sold Sunday night after a worker found feces on some vegetables.
Yes, fecal matter. Human ... how do you say ... poop.
A 23-year-old homeless man was arrested across the street from the store.
Witnesses said the guy had earlier complained about an odor in the produce department.
When tracked down, witnesses said, the guy still had fecal matter on his person -- which might explain the above-mentioned odor.
Police are trying to match the feces on the vegetables with the feces on Mr. Potatohead. We believe that consists of a lineup of feces, which store workers must then examine through one-way glass to pinpoint the offender.
Police might also send some poop off for a DNA check, to eliminate all other human beings on the planet as suspects.
More to come as this case develops.
Death can be one sneaky character. One moment you're here, bursting with life. The next moment you're somewhere else, bursting with creepy-crawly things that signify the Reaper.
But sometimes he tricks us in other ways. For instance:
A Canadian man thought to have been killed by a train in Toronto called his family as they prepared to bury him recently.
The man, Dane Squires, called after hearing news of his death from a sister.
He spoke to his daughter, who upon hearing her father's voice thought she was dead or talking to the dead or being "Punk'd."
Of course, someone did die. The sister who identified the corpse as Squires really didn't have much to work with, the body being mutilated and all.
So Death pulled a fast one on the Squires family, and we suppose on the poor guy who met Mr. Mortality on the railroad tracks.
So maybe today Dane Squires is the man who cheated Death.
But we know what tomorrow brings ... don't we?
A silly-looking guy in what appears to be a homemade Batman costume climbed Buckingham Palace yesterday.
He was protesting for greater custody rights for divorced or separated fathers.
The man beneath the mask was Jason Hatch, 33. Police eventually removed him from the parapet on which he stood.
In addition to raising awareness of divorced and separated fathers (and who isn't one of those these days?), his climb raised concerns about the security of the royals in this Golden Age of Terrorism.
In the photograph above, he does remind us of a TV character. But it's not Batman.
It's Meathead.
This is not a sports item, although it does involve European soccer (we can't bring ourselves to call it football).
Apparently a German team is without a sport director. The executive of the team is talking to a former player about taking over the job.
The executive? His name is Fuchs.
The ex-player? His name is Kuntz.
The ex-director? His name is Peter Pander.
So Fuchs wants Kuntz to do some Peter Pandering.
One could perhaps come up with a slightly shorter phrasing, but we will pass on doing so.
We now return you to our regular broadcast.
We have never professed to be scholars on the subject of pubic hair.
OK, maybe we have.
But a Japanese professor appears to be the real thing. And he has published a thesis on the matter.
Asaki Geino's treatise, like most treatises, makes many points. And they're all about pubic hair.
But the long and short of it is that Japanese women have perfect pubic hair, which makes Japan a great nation.
And all this time we thought it was the sushi.
We would be remiss if we didn't mention the naked guy who was arrested a few mornings ago as he performed an allegedly "lewd" act down the road in Delaware.
Ronald J. Krischbaum, 34, of New Castle, was allegedly standing on the side of Interstate 95, wearing a bra and women's underpants on his head and sneakers on his feet.
Krischbaum allegedly ran when police approached but was allegedly run down at a nearby alleged condo complex.
He has been charged with one count each of misdemeanor indecent exposure, lewdness and resisting arrest.
A highly placed source (a local Sunday newspaper that we were tempted to read) did not reveal the type of lewd act the naked man was allegedly performing.
So let's make this a contest. You know, like those online quizzes that so many media outlets now provide in an effort to attract young viewers away from their other activities, such as having sex, taking drugs, illegally downloading music and porn, and torturing defenseless animals.
OK then.
Was the naked man:
1) Mooning travelers.
2) Playing space cadet with the bra pulled down over his ears like a helmet.
3) Playing peekaboo with the sheer undies, peering through one leg hole and then the other.
4) Playing with something completely different.
And what prizes do we have for the winner, Johnny?
How about ... a sleepover in Philly, all expenses paid ... by the winner!
So get to that comment box and compete, compete, compete!
"Join the Army, get a bigger (enter your inadequate body part here) for FREE!"
Yes, the New Military is giving members and their families plastic surgery, and you're paying for it.
We're not, because we don't pay taxes. It's a principle thing.
(Just kidding, IRS.)
But seriously. The U.S. armed forces are providing such things as face-lifts, breast enlargements, liposuction and nose jobs for "anyone wearing a uniform," according to a reliable source.
The article to which we refer did not mention other, ummmm, enhancements, but you know Marines are going to want the biggest of everything.
Before you get all huffy about your money going to give a Marine bigger breasts and a bigger baton, hear out this military spokesman.
"The surgeons have to have someone to practice on."
In fact, we can see a TV series coming out of this. Contestants compete for the opportunity to enlist in the service and get an extreme makeover while avoiding car bombs and kidnappers in the Greater Middle East.
It's got "hit" written all over it, doncha think?
More drunken Americans embarrassing themselves and their country:
In Kokomo, Ind., which was named after a famous chimp, three men convicted of drunken driving were ordered to attend a program at which panelists talk about how drunken drivers have hurt them.
The three dutifully showed up -- drunk. Thus hurting even more the people who were there to talk about being hurt by drunken drivers.
The three were arrested. Again.
Howard County Sheriff Marty Talbert called the situation "appalling."
Indeed.
And just in case you're driving in Indiana any time soon, watch out for these guys: Bruce Hendrix, 47, Michael Dimitt, 40, and Andrew Johnson, 55.
Maybe you've read about the new lazy-day activity on (or should we say just off of) the Florida coast.
Young people are hanging themselves from meat hooks.
They apparently pierce their bodies with the hooks and just hang around on a sandbar.
On the day in question, police found a young woman dangling from the hooks.
To quote Reuters, "According to a Coast Guard video, she did not seem to mind the hooks."
Lt. Tom Brazil of the Coast Guard is reported to have noted that the young freaks are breaking no laws.
Maybe not. But we blame the movies. (What a non sequitur, eh?) Those Hollywood liberals are planting these sick ideas in the heads of our young people, hoping they'll become so twisted that, like robots, they'll vote Democratic every time. That is, assuming that robots do vote Democractic every time.
Some examples? How about those two "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" flicks. That wacky family hung young people on meat hooks. Right?
And don't forget that classic of liberal brainwashing, "Three on a Meathook."
It's propaganda, plain and simple. If you don't think so, take a look at the name of this apparently real short film: "I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her On A Meathook, And Now I Have A Three-Picture Deal At Disney."
A three-picture deal at Disney.
Those sad children in Florida are just rehearsing for their close-up, Mr. DeMille.
"The long arm of the law" has taken on a whole new meaning in good old Okie land.
A judge in the Sooner State has been accused of using a penis pump, shaving and oiling his pubic area, and masturbating while on the bench hearing cases.
According to a petition seeking to remove him from the bench, Judge Donald D. Thompson acknowledged having the pump but said that it was a gag gift from a friend and that he never used it.
Several witnesses, however, including his longtime court reporter, Lisa Foster, say they often heard a noise coming from under the bench, a noise that sounded like a blood pressure cuff being pumped up.
Foster said she also saw the judge's penis in various stages of arousal, saw him shaving his testicles and saw him applying lotion to his genitals.
Other witnesses cited in the petition filed by the state's attorney general included the chief of police of Sapulpa, near Tulsa, and other law enforcement officials.
In addition, a couple who cleaned the courtroom and the judge's office said they more than once found semen or what appeared to be urine in the judge's trash can.
Thompson fired his court reporter and the cleaning crew after they became witnesses.
Seems to us the judge, with those tattletales out of the way, could still be fair and impartial when handing down rulings.
He just needs to find a bigger robe and a quieter pump.
We're just glad this guy's not an Okie.
Yusef Samad, 26, decided this week to make a statement at the trial of Terry Nichols in McAlester, Okla.
So during a lunch break, Samad dropped trou. According to law enforcement quoted by someone else who then put it on the Internet, Samad said, "I want to make a statement. Oklahoma needs to be known for more than killing 161 people."
See, we told you he wanted to make a statement.
And he was arrested for indecent exposure.
Samad is reportedly from California, and that makes all kinds of sense. We mean, have you ever met a Californian?
But we agree that Oklahoma needs to be known for more than the Murrah Building bombing, as tragic and senseless as that was.
So let it be this: Some terrific people are from Oklahoma! And we are one of 'em!
Let's make fun of Germany some more, shall we?
First, a German doctor says he thinks he's discovered Atlanta.
Dr. Rainer Kuehne says his research shows that it is part of Spain. And has been for thousands of years.
He cites Plato and satellite photos and a bunch of other stuff. Any discrepancies he blames on Plato. Who you might remember died a few years back.
And besides, we discovered Atlanta ourselves, a long time ago. It was when we were driving to Florida. Atlanta was right on an interstate.
Oh, wait. Our mistake. He said Atlantis.
Which is a horse of a different color. (Sorry if we've reminded you of the Belmont Stakes.)
Second, a German dog shelter is having trouble finding a home for a dog with a funny haircut and moustache.
The dog's name is Adolf. He will answer to nothing else.
We had an uncle named Adolph. But he didn't run roughshod over several nations and try to rule the world.
We think he had something to do with horses. (Oops. Sorry again. Please don't cry.)
And finally for now, a German town has decided not to change its name, which translated means "puke."
The town was created when three villages merged. The townsfolk were given until the end of June to change it, according to the German media, but could think of nothing better. So the town remains "Puke."
Speaking of tossing your cookies, did anybody else feel sick Saturday when that horse Gallstone ran past our beloved Smarty?
We thought the only other horse that had a chance was Rock Hard Ten. And after his victory he would go on to star in porn movies and end up a pathetic drug abuser who would become the wrapping on a baseball that Barry Bonds would hit for his record-breaking 756th home run.
But we digress. Gallstone won. Smarty lost. Rock Hard Ten wilted on the turn.
And the Germans still are wacky.
An anonymous blog-stuffing butthead was busy over the Memorial Day weekend, sending senseless comments to "Would We Lie?" and other Daily News sites.
The butthead (or buttheads) filled our comment section with hundreds of "messages" dealing with "insest," "beastiality" and "rape."
At first we were tempted to leave them alone. After all, anyone who puts great stock in the number of comments a blog receives would be impressed: More than 335 comments in three days!
But then we realized we were serious journalists out to do a serious job. Would readers take us seriously if they checked a comment that promised "father daughter rape by dog with side salad"?
We think not.
Thus, they are gone.
And we encourage the sender(s) to get back to school right away. You should be able to spell an aberrant act before you practice it -- or promote it.
Despite credible evidence of potential attacks against "Would We Lie," the "Lie" staff has decided against increasing the level of our alert system.
We will remain at "yellow" until our khakis dry out.
If the attacks occur, we will increase the alert to "brown," at which point we'll have to go home and change.
We encourage all Americans to report any nefarious goings-on to "Would We Lie?" If one of your relatives has a tape of "Lawrence of Arabia," report him. If you know of someone who is not complaining about the outrageously high price of gasoline, report him.
Freedom is not, as you might think, free.
A 102-year-old Italian woman has survived a plunge from a fourth-story window at her nursing home. In fact, she suffered no bone fractures, just a few scratches.
Doctors called it a miracle.
A hospital spokesman credited “good Mediterranean food and olive oil” for the miracle.
Yes, you have to figure that if you eat enough pasta and cannoli and lasagna and such, you’re bound to bounce before you break.
Another sign that baby boomers are on their (or should we say "our") last legs: Pat Benatar is now spokeswoman for the Energizer EZ Change "It's Hip to H.E.A.R." program.
Yes, she's the newest Energizer bunny, touting hearing aids and such.
We never took to Pat, but that has nothing to do with our objection: We hope readers will write to Energizer and demand a change.
Our choice: Garrett Morris. Why? Review your "Saturday Night Live" reruns.
You'll see.
A New York man participating in a Masonic ritual was shot in the head and killed with a gun that was supposed to hold blanks.
William James, 47, was pronounced dead at the scene after the shooting Monday night.
A police spokesman said, “Apparently, this ritual has been conducted for a few years at this lodge.”
Not the ones with real bullets, we’re guessing.